Cornwall’s roundabout improvements ‘drawn up’ by monkeys, says council leader

Cornwall Council leader Jon Bollocks has admitted to frustrated motorists across Cornwall that many of the major improvements to the county’s roundabouts were ‘drawn up’ by monkeys from The Monkey Sanctuary in Looe.

He said: “It’s no secret that many of the major improvements to Cornwall’s roundabouts – such as Avers, Chiverton, Loggans Moor and Trafalgar – were all drawn up by monkeys, we just didn’t tell anyone about it.

“The reason we’ve been using monkeys, of course, is cost. I don’t have the figures on me, but we pay the monkeys in peanuts, which saves Cornwall Council millions of pounds each year.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, on his visit to Cornwall yesterday, spoke to reporters outside Warren’s pasty shop in Redruth:

“What I want to know is how these monkeys managed to get through Border Control, because they’re obviously not from the EU. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are Romanians in fancy dress.”

Barry Morrish, 39, from Redruth said: “Avers is the worst. If you go up the hill from Barncoose Roundabout and turn left to go on the A30, some idiot will suddenly appear alongside you on the inside lane, then try to cut in, forcing you into a game of dodgems.

“And if you’re coming off the A30 onto Avers, the arrows tell you to go from one lane to another, and before you know it, some idiot who looks like Nigel Farage cuts you up and forces you down the road towards Treleigh.”

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