Cornish community outraged after signpost vandalized

Residents of Pool in Cornwall are outraged after the Church Road ‘Welcome to Pool’ signpost was vandalized, with ‘AND’ graffitied after the word, ‘Pool’. There is some speculation as to how this is meant to read.

UKIP councillor and self-proclaimed exaggerator, Damien Bigot, said: “Let me make this clear, there’s no excuse for criminal damage, but the message is loud and clear. With 10% of the population of Pool being Polish – the other half being English, of course, the perpetrators or perpetrator may well have a point.”

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I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole, says Farage

In a live radio phone-in Nigel Farage admitted to being an arsehole, but said that David Cameron is a bigger arsehole.

The UKIP leader made the announcement on BBC Radio Tittleworth’s lunchtime phone-in show this afternoon when a feisty Conservative supporter, called Mabel, phoned the show and said to Mr Farage: “If people vote UKIP they will get Labour, and Britain will remain in the EU.”

Nigel Farage replied: “I’ve heard this story a million times, and quite frankly I’m getting a little fed up hearing it. If David Cameron was serious about having a referendum he’d have had one yesterday.”

But this only inflamed Mabel all the more. She replied: “We can’t just pull out willy-nilly and you know it. You Mr Farage, are an arsehole.”

Unaware that Mabel had already hung-up, Nigel Farage added: “I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole for making promises he cannot keep. I know it, you know it – we all know it.”

UKIP

29 million people tune into last night’s Question Time

It has been confirmed that last night’s episode of Question Time received a staggering 29 million viewers. It is unclear how many of these were Romanians and Bulgarians. The reason for the show’s success was the appearance of Russell Brand and Nigel Farage, on the guest panel. And as one might expect, things got a little heated.

At one point, Russell Brand called the UKIP leader a ‘pound shop Enoch Powell’ during a debate on immigration. And surprise surprise, Russell Brand threw in the word, ‘ostentatious’, whilst saying something about being bandaged up.

Mr Farage has since responded by saying: “We all know that Mr Brand was going to mention the word, we just didn’t know when, or in what context. I’m not even sure what he was on about – but quite frankly, nothing the man says, or does, surprises me anyway.”

Another heated moment came when a man with a walking stick verbally attacked Russell Brand, saying: “Stand for parliament. If you’re gonna campaign, then stand, ok?”

A member of the audience, sat near to Mr Walking Stick had this to say: “He was so angry that, when he pointed and opened his mouth to speak, he farted at the same time. Everyone in the audience heard it.”

The show was undoubtedly stolen though, by a blue haired woman who criticised Mr Farage, saying: “That’s what he does, he’s a racist scumbag trying to blame immigrants for the cutbacks…”

Russell Brand had this to say about Blue Hair: “She was so angry. I thought she was going to spew venom at Mr Pound Shop. What a star.”