Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn gaslight each other all the time, says Labour MP

The actions of a contestant on ITV’s Love Island have led to a leading domestic abuse charity to issue concerns about a form of emotional abuse called “gaslighting”, the act of lighting one’s own fart with a naked flame.

But this form of emotional abuse isn’t confined to reality TV. Speaking to Berkshire Voice Radio this morning, Labour MP Cynthia Winder has also voiced concerns about gaslighting in the Labour Party.

She said: “when I first attended the House of Commons I was talking to two other Labour MPs about Brexit, prior to the opening debate, and unbeknownst to me, another Labour MP was standing behind me with his arse close to the back my head, ready to set light to an oncoming fart.

“I wondered why my two Right Honourable friends I was speaking to were smirking. Anyway, the fart came and I could feel the heat of the flame on the back of my head. I’d only had my hair done the day before. I was horrified. So to was my Right Honourable friend who farted, because he pushed too hard for his own good, if you see what I mean?

“MPs from other parties were there too, but they just ignored what was going on, used to the shenanigans that Labour MPs get up to. I’ve also since learned that Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn gaslight with each other all the time. Not really something you want to think about.”

 

 

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Corbyn refuses to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at 6-year-old’s birthday party

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn left dozens of children in tears on Sunday afternoon after refusing to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to six-year-old boy, Peter Sampson. The incident happened at Peter’s grandparents’ house in Shropshire.

Peter’s granddad, Warren Carpenter, 68, said: “I’ve known Corbyn for years, but I only really invited him because my daughter wanted to meet him. If I realised he was going to be such an arsehole I wouldn’t have bothered.”

Warren’s daughter, Isabelle Sampson, 43, said: “Everything was fine, until we all sat around the table together. I noticed that Jeremy had started arguing with my husband about wearing a paper hat. So I ran in to get the cake. You know, as a distraction.

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Exposed: Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination!

The plans were discovered yesterday afternoon by retired teas maid Hilda Tilsbury, 78, from Dudley, in an e-mail from the Labour Party. Mrs Tilsbury opened the e-mail expecting it to be about her unanswered question to the party, regarding membership discounts for retired animal carers. Not Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination.

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Don’t be put off by my oily complexion, says Miliband

In a live radio interview Ed Miliband urged voters not to be “put off” by his oily complexion.

He said: “What I have to say is this. None of us are perfect. This is what I tell myself every morning when I look at myself in the mirrors of my two bathrooms.

“What I also have to say is this. I urge voters not to be put off by my oily complexion. It’s better to have a Prime Minister with an oily complexion, who can turn back the tide of austerity, than it is to have a Prime Minister like David Cameron with his endless cuts.

“A vote for Labour is a vote for equality, for people of every skin colour and complexion.”

 ed milliband

Remake of The Wrong Trouser’s could star Ed Miliband as Wallace

Ed Miliband has recently made it clear that the role of Wallace, in a live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers, is his if he wants it.

“Let’s be clear about this,” said the Labour leader. “I had a telephone call from Nick Park, asking if I would like to play the part of Wallace, for which I am deeply honoured. And I make no apology for being deeply honoured.

“Above all, I can see why Nick wants me to play the part, of course I can. Wallace and I are very similar. For one, we are both good at DIY. It wasn’t that long ago that I tried to change a lightbulb.

“But, the way I see it is this. As much as I relish the chance of playing Wallace, I simply cannot do two things at once. It’s like trying to change a lightbulb whilst eating a bacon sandwich.

“Labour is set to win the 2015 general election, and I need to be there as Ed Miliband, not Wallace. Which is exactly what I told Nick.

“What I say is this. Nick has told me that I am the best man for the role, and that the role is mine if I want it. So if I find myself in a position to play Wallace, say, in a year’s time, I will make a five-point plan – or even a seven-point plan – and tackle the Wallace crisis.”

David Cameron had this to say: “My view is simple. There’s only one way Ed Miliband’s going to be in this film, and that’s if you don’t vote Labour. It’s as simple as that.”

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