Ravers rejoice as Cornish venue changes its name to The Shirehorse

The management of The Ritz in Penzance, Cornwall have decided to change the venue’s name to The Shirehorse – the name of the legendary St Ives nightclub which closed its doors more than 15 years ago.

The announcement was made on yesterday’s evening news by The Ritz spokesman, Paul Cab. He said: “the decision was made after we realised that The Ritz has had too many Shire reunions and rave nights to justify being called The Ritz any longer.”

Speaking to reporters at Archie’s café earlier this morning was MC Splann, 42, well known for rinsing out a line or two in the Cornish language, and new kid on the bloke, DJ Past E, 19.

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Ravers mourn as demolition of former Cornish nightclub gets underway

Demolition work is due to start on the legendary Shirehorse nightclub in St Ives, Cornwall – that’s if it doesn’t fall down beforehand.

Host to some of the biggest DJs in the UK throughout the 1990s, the Shirehorse was without a doubt the most bangin’ nightclub in Cornwall. So bangin’ in fact, it may have been responsible for the collapse of a nearby stone circle – either that or the circle was knocked over by the clumsy Beast of Bodmin Moor, as some locals suggest.

MC Splann, a resident MC well known for MCing in the Cornish language said:

“Some people blamed the collapse of Towednack stone circle on the Beast of Bodmin Moor, whilst others blamed it on a bangin’ set from the DJ HMS. An expert of some kind or another even suggested that the Beast of Bodmin Moor knocked the stones over whilst dancing to HMS’s set. I guess we’ll never know the truth.”

David Tregear, a bouncer at the club shared his memories: “I do remember this lady who lived in one of the bungalows nearby having a go at me. She’d been suffering from sleep deprivation since 1992. She wanted to turn the music off, and I wasn’t going to argue with someone who hasn’t slept for 7 years.

“No one really knows what happened after she went into the club, but I’ve heard she got lost in the dark and couldn’t find her way out. I remember a couple of regulars telling me that they saw her dancing in the carpark after the club closed, but the story’s never been confirmed. They were good nights.”

Pete Tregenna, a local entrepreneur said: “A friend of mine took me to the club back in ’96 or ’97 and I remember the steam that came from the place when the doors were opened at the end of the night. It was incredible. And it gave me ideas…

“At the time I was racking my brain trying to think of new sources of renewable energy, and I found it at the Shire. Unfortunately the club shut its doors, and there wasn’t another club in the whole of the UK that produced that much steam. My dreams were shattered.”

Bricks from the building will go on sale at the Shirehorse Reunion at the Ritz, Penzance on the 4th March for £1 a pop.

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99% of properties in St Ives are holiday homes

A recent report suggests that 99% of property in the idyllic fishing resort of St Ives in Cornwall is either holiday lets or second homes. This news comes a month after St Ives Council proposed a ban on outsiders buying second homes in the area.

Molly Stevens, a 27 year old who lives with her mum in the town said: “I’ll never be able to afford my own home here. I’d have to win the lottery to buy a parking space, but I can’t exactly live in my car.”

Businessman, Pete Staffford said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. English resorts like this rely on people like me. I’ve worked hard to set up my business down here, but these locals carry on biting the hand that feeds. It’s because of us Londoners coming down that these 48,000 new homes are being built. It’s supply and demand, ain’t it?”

Second home owner, Baz Masi has a similar story: I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, just like my parents before me. My dad ran a protection racket in Walford, and my ma, she was a sex worker from Russia. I saw her work hard for her money.”

For Mr Nicolls, sitting glumly behind the counter of his Cornish pasty shop, the prospect of making a sale today looks unlikely:

“As you can see, it’s early December, and it’s like a bleddy ghost town me ‘ansum. All I get this time of year are visitors coming in asking for pasties covered in chocolate, or with fish in. Fish pasties! They’re like bleddy seagulls! Guss-on with ya.”

When asked about his own living arrangements, Mr Nicolls said: “Well, I’m fortunate enough to have a parking space on the other side of town.”

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