Telesales branch manager resorts to employing mixed-race staff to confuse diversity quotas.

The branch manager of a telesales company in North London has come up with the idea of only employing mixed-race staff to confuse ‘impossible’ diversity quotas from the company’s head office in Birmingham.

Branch manager, Roger Bean, 43, said: “I was told by head office that the branch had to employ an equal amount of staff from different ethnic backgrounds, i.e. white/British, Eastern European, black, Asian, and Oriental.

“But it became too much to cope with. We started to take on staff because of their skin colour, not their skills. It was impossible. So I came up with the idea of only employing staff who are mixed-race, in the hope it would confuse head office quotas.”

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Could pasty crimper from Cornwall win Britain’s Got Talent 2016?

Reckon you’ve got what it takes to be a Britain’s Got Talent star?

Pauline Buckett, 44, from Troon in Cornwall thinks she has.

Pauline has been crimping pasties for over 25 years at Philips Bakery and has decided to show off her skills in front of the BGT production team who’re busy roaming the country in search of new talent before the new series hits our screens next year.

Reporters spoke to Pauline, and her family, at her home on Newton Road.

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Donald Trump gets go-head for hunting park in Aberdeenshire

US tycoon Donald Trump has been given the go-ahead to have a £2 billion hunting park built near to his golf course in Aberdeenshire, Scotland – despite Aberdeenshire Council seemingly unable to clarify which game will be hunted on the 400 acre site.

Trump however insists that the game will be the Scot’s favourite dish, haggis.

Whilst many people in Scotland claim the haggis to be a wild animal (haggis scoticus) it is actually the innards of sheep. It is unclear whether Trump is aware of this fact.

According to Angus MacFly, landlord of The Merry Thistle in Aberdeen, Trump fell in love with the dish on a recent visit to his pub. He said:

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Camborne Mafia caught selling knock-off pasties

A criminal organisation known as the Camborne Mafia were detained by police yesterday evening at around 7pm outside Argos in Camborne after reports that the gang were selling knock-off pasties.

Taxi driver, Jack Dash, 54, said: “I saw the boys loitering outside Argos, selling, what they claimed to be Rowes pasties. One of the other driver’s bought a pasty from them, but said it was definitely not a Rowes. It must have been a knock-off pasty. So we called the Old Bill.”

Sergeant Dave Pedrevan, 39, said: “when myself and PC Carpenter arrived on the scene there were 5 lads aged between 6 and 18. One of them had a Tesco carrier. Probably an old one, before they started charging for them.

“Inside the carrier there was this smell, like sweaty old socks and a dozen pasties in white paper bags. Far too many for personal use. The youngest lad tried telling us that they were Rowes pasties. A likely story.”

PC Dick Carpenter, 24, said: “criminals making money from knock-off pasties usually make a mistake somewhere along the line. In this case it was the initials on the pasties, matching the initials of the boys standing in front of us.

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Corbyn refuses to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at 6-year-old’s birthday party

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn left dozens of children in tears on Sunday afternoon after refusing to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to six-year-old boy, Peter Sampson. The incident happened at Peter’s grandparents’ house in Shropshire.

Peter’s granddad, Warren Carpenter, 68, said: “I’ve known Corbyn for years, but I only really invited him because my daughter wanted to meet him. If I realised he was going to be such an arsehole I wouldn’t have bothered.”

Warren’s daughter, Isabelle Sampson, 43, said: “Everything was fine, until we all sat around the table together. I noticed that Jeremy had started arguing with my husband about wearing a paper hat. So I ran in to get the cake. You know, as a distraction.

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Ridley Scott’s Planet of the Baboons in cinemas this October

It’s been a busy month for director Ridley Scott, with two films released in the same month, and both set on the Red Planet.

Ridley’s second film to be released this month, Planet of the Baboons, has already been described by the film’s ass-kicking starlet Katy Wix as “the sort of film that’ll make audiences laugh with terror…”

… if that’s even possible!

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Ed Miliband goes missing

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has gone missing after a routine trip to Marks & Spencers with wife Justine. The Incident happened on Saturday afternoon at around 2pm at their local store in North London.

Mrs Miliband told reporters: “It was just another day in M&S really. Before entering the store some kids were shouting things like, ‘Oi Wallace, where’s Gromit?’ but it was nothing really.

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