“Old Skool”: any dance music older than 2018, says music producer

The use of the term “old skool”, as an electronic dance music genre, has long been challenged by DJs, producers, promoters, and music enthusiasts alike. The term came about in the mid ’90s to describe the ‘91-‘93 hardcore/rave/jungle techno scene, which needed a new name after happy hardcore also became know, simply as, “hardcore”.

Since then, one of the biggest challenges to the term is from young people, who see most music as being old. Because to them, it is! Even ten years ago it wouldn’t have been uncommon for someone to use the term old skool to describe ‘94 jungle. They can’t simply say, old skool jungle, it’s just old skool to them. Fast forward ten years, and everything from grime to dubstep or halftime is suddenly “old skool” as well.

Discussing old skool in the CRP music magazine, 16-year-old hard grimestep artist, Jimmy Section aka Techno Shag, said:

“Old skool is basically any dance music older than 2018. It has to be. I wouldn’t have heard much before that because I was too busy cracking-off to Little Mix (laughs).

“Don’t get me wrong, it would have been great being around back in the day, listening to DJs like Grooverider in the early ‘80s or whenever it was, but that was like two decades before I was born. I wasn’t even a sperm in my dad’s groin back then. Grooverider could be like my grandfather now. Apart from him being black and all that. But you know what I mean.”

Just imagine, in another 30-40 years, the original old skool ravers will be in nursing homes telling their grandkids about that legendary Ellis Dee set in ’93 or watching Altern 8 on TOTP in ’92… only for their grandkids to start banging on about the latest urban shizzlestep or blimtime. To them, any DJ not mixing on the latest brainware with inbuilt sync control will be old skool.

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Doctor Who: talking donkey-zebra hybrid hinted to be season 12 companion

Whether you like it or not, Season 11 of Doctor Who celebrates equality & diversity in all its glory. From the Doctor’s rainbow t-shirt, in respect of gay pride, to the man giving birth on last Sunday’s episode, The Tsuranga Conundrum, and even hints that the Doctor herself bats for both sides. And the fun doesn’t stop there…

… in celebration of the birth of Britain’s second zonkey, a donkey crossed with a zebra, the BBC have hinted that a new companion for Season 12 could actually be a zonkey, and that the zonkey will be able to talk just like the other companions.

Speaking on Timey-Wimey FM, Tilly Champers, 16, a spokesperson for the LGBT Whovian Group, said: “we should celebrate all forms of diversity, so the news that a zonkey might be joining the crew of the TARDIS is music to my little gay ears.

“Since Jodie has been on the show, a lot of the older fans have been exposed for their racist and sexist views, being against anyone who isn’t white, male and heterosexual. Well, let’s see what they think of this idea. I pray to God, the zonkey isn’t straight.”

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Segway riders bearing gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect: school play sparks mixed reactions from parents

Year after year we have seen countless primary schools axeing the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of politically-correct “Winter Celebrations”. And by the looks of it, this year’s not going to be any different.

St Cleef Primary School in South East London is rehearsing their play which features three Segway riders: an African NHS doctor, a Muslim mayor, and a Turkish barber, who follow the Bethnal Green Star to a refugee centre where they bear gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect.

One concerned mum, Cindy White, 23, said: “I wasn’t surprised that the school wasn’t holding a traditional play. Last year’s play had Thor in it, who came to the school bearing sweets. It caused a lot of concern because the guy playing the god of thunder looked like a paedo. Nothing like the actor in the Marvel films. It’s a good job the school banned any photography for that one.

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First, Merlin’s face carved into rock. Now English Heritage wants to erect a stone phallus – with Noel Edmonds face on it!

Carved directly into the rock itself, the face of Merlin is an imposing site on the Tintagel landscape. And despite criticism, it’s the first of many new sculptures and installations commissioned by English Heritage.

The next sculpture, commissioned to local artist, Mariah England, 42, will be a 12 foot standing stone, shaped like a giant cock, with the face of King Arthur – if the legendary king looked like Noel Edmonds – carved into the bellend.

Speaking to reporters at the Merlin’s face opening event, the sculptress said:

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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200 MILLION migrant pigeons could invade Europe in 2016

Top EU officials have been warned that pigeons are disappearing from cities across the Middle East at an alarming rate and are heading in unprecedented numbers to countries across Europe, all due to the threat imposed upon them by the jihadist organization, ISIS.

Bertram Cumberbatch, head of The International Bird Watching Society, said: “ISIS have made the pigeon an enemy by preventing pigeon breeding on roofs, as they claim that the sight of the birds’ genitalia is a distraction from their daily worship. This has led to many of the birds ending up in ISIS torture camps, where they are beaten, flogged, burned and even beheaded.

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Cornishman dumps fiancée over false pasty making claims

A heartbroken Cornishman from Pool has dumped his fiancée, just three weeks before their marriage, after finding out that she has been lying to him about her pasty making skills.

Ruan Trewedna, 34, has been coming home from work every Saturday evening to be greeted by the smell of freshly baked pasties ever since the couple moved in together last March.

But last Saturday Mr Trewedna came home from work early to find his mother-in-law to be in their kitchen making the pasties, and his fiancée lying on the sofa watching classic JK.

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