Segway riders bearing gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect: school play sparks mixed reactions from parents

Year after year we have seen countless primary schools axeing the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of politically-correct “winter celebrations”. And by the looks of it, this year’s not going to be any different.

St Cleef Primary School in South East London is rehearsing their play which features three Segway riders: an African NHS doctor, a Muslim mayor, and a Turkish barber, who follow the Bethnal Green Star to a refugee centre where they bear gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect.

One concerned mum, Cindy White, 23, said: “I wasn’t surprised that the school wasn’t holding a traditional play. Last year’s play had Thor in it, who came to the school bearing sweets. It caused a lot of concern because the guy playing the god of thunder looked like a paedo. Nothing like the actor in the Marvel films. It’s a good job the school banned any photography for that one.

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First, Merlin’s face carved into rock. Now English Heritage wants to erect a stone phallus – with Noel Edmonds face on it!

Carved directly into the rock itself, the face of Merlin is an imposing site on the Tintagel landscape. And despite criticism, it’s the first of many new sculptures and installations commissioned by English Heritage.

The next sculpture, commissioned to local artist, Mariah England, 42, will be a 12 foot standing stone, shaped like a giant cock, with the face of King Arthur – if the legendary king looked like Noel Edmonds – carved into the bellend.

Speaking to reporters at the Merlin’s face opening event, the sculptress said:

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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200 MILLION migrant pigeons could invade Europe in 2016

Top EU officials have been warned that pigeons are disappearing from cities across the Middle East at an alarming rate and are heading in unprecedented numbers to countries across Europe, all due to the threat imposed upon them by the jihadist organization, ISIS.

Bertram Cumberbatch, head of The International Bird Watching Society, said: “ISIS have made the pigeon an enemy by preventing pigeon breeding on roofs, as they claim that the sight of the birds’ genitalia is a distraction from their daily worship. This has led to many of the birds ending up in ISIS torture camps, where they are beaten, flogged, burned and even beheaded.

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Cornishman dumps fiancée over false pasty making claims

A heartbroken Cornishman from Pool has dumped his fiancée, just three weeks before their marriage, after finding out that she has been lying to him about her pasty making skills.

Ruan Trewedna, 34, has been coming home from work every Saturday evening to be greeted by the smell of freshly baked pasties ever since the couple moved in together last March.

But last Saturday Mr Trewedna came home from work early to find his mother-in-law to be in their kitchen making the pasties, and his fiancée lying on the sofa watching classic JK.

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Telesales branch manager resorts to employing mixed-race staff to confuse diversity quotas.

The branch manager of a telesales company in North London has come up with the idea of only employing mixed-race staff to confuse ‘impossible’ diversity quotas from the company’s head office in Birmingham.

Branch manager, Roger Bean, 43, said: “I was told by head office that the branch had to employ an equal amount of staff from different ethnic backgrounds, i.e. white/British, Eastern European, black, Asian, and Oriental.

“But it became too much to cope with. We started to take on staff because of their skin colour, not their skills. It was impossible. So I came up with the idea of only employing staff who are mixed-race, in the hope it would confuse head office quotas.”

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Could pasty crimper from Cornwall win Britain’s Got Talent 2016?

Reckon you’ve got what it takes to be a Britain’s Got Talent star?

Pauline Buckett, 44, from Troon in Cornwall thinks she has.

Pauline has been crimping pasties for over 25 years at Philips Bakery and has decided to show off her skills in front of the BGT production team who’re busy roaming the country in search of new talent before the new series hits our screens next year.

Reporters spoke to Pauline, and her family, at her home on Newton Road.

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