KFC queuing times: number one concern for Camborne & Redruth residents

A new survey conducted by West Country Market Research, aka WC Market Research, has found that, whilst there should be a number of concerns for residents in the Camborne & Redruth area in Cornwall, such as the drilling for geothermal energy at United Downs, or uncontrolled housing development, the only concern, given by the 280 respondents aged between 16-85, was queuing times at the new KFC at the top of Tuckingmill, near Camborne, with a number of these respondents also adding “how hot my chips are” to the list.

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WC Market Research’s Head Analyst, Dick Small, said, “this was an open-ended survey, where respondents gave their own answers. If this was a multiple choice survey the results may have been very different. Saying that, this is Camborne & Redruth we’re  talking about. KFC queuing times at the new branch in Camborne is a bit of a hot potato for residents living in the area.”

Residents were also asked if they’d like to comment.

19-year-old MILF, Chizzy Spangleton, originally from Salford, said: “Queuing times at the new KFC are a major concern for people in the area. Me ‘n’ me kids are like chicken junkies mate, so the quicker I can get me food the better. But problems aside, having a KFC in the area is the best thing to happen to Cornwall this year. I know there’s a KFC in Penzance, but when I need me chicken, I need me chicken, you get me?”

Another resident, 49-year-old Camborne maid, Angie Merrifield, currently single, but looking for a chicken lover, said: “Chicken’s part of my five-a-day, so I’ve already booked a table for Christmas Day, so I’m not complaining. The queuing times are pretty shit though.”

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Camborne Mafia caught selling knock-off pasties

A criminal organisation known as the Camborne Mafia were detained by police yesterday evening at around 7pm outside Argos in Camborne after reports that the gang were selling knock-off pasties.

Taxi driver, Jack Dash, 54, said: “I saw the boys loitering outside Argos, selling, what they claimed to be Rowes pasties. One of the other driver’s bought a pasty from them, but said it was definitely not a Rowes. It must have been a knock-off pasty. So we called the Old Bill.”

Sergeant Dave Pedrevan, 39, said: “when myself and PC Carpenter arrived on the scene there were 5 lads aged between 6 and 18. One of them had a Tesco carrier. Probably an old one, before they started charging for them.

“Inside the carrier there was this smell, like sweaty old socks and a dozen pasties in white paper bags. Far too many for personal use. The youngest lad tried telling us that they were Rowes pasties. A likely story.”

PC Dick Carpenter, 24, said: “criminals making money from knock-off pasties usually make a mistake somewhere along the line. In this case it was the initials on the pasties, matching the initials of the boys standing in front of us.

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Cornish town given ‘ghetto status’ rating by tourism website

Camborne in Cornwall has been given a rare ‘ghetto status’ rating by tourism review website, holidaysuk.co.uk.

Reviewer Malcolm Lovell’s less than complimentary review focused on the town’s after hours entertainment, saying:

“Camborne’s night life was jaw dropping, reminiscent of a David Attenborough documentary. I witnessed a group of woman squatting down in the street, drinking and urinating at the same time”.

Lovell also had gripes about the guest house he stayed in:

“My stay at Park-An-Tansy’s Guest House was marred by filth.The wallpaper was hanging off, the bathtub had weeds growing in it, and I found a snake’s skin in my pillowcase.”

Website owner, Andy Vardon, 24, said: “we were obliged to review Camborne after one of our website users described the place as a ‘no-go zone’. The way I see it is, we have to give honest reviews.

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Cornwall’s roundabout improvements ‘drawn up’ by monkeys, says council leader

Cornwall Council leader Jon Bollocks has admitted to frustrated motorists across Cornwall that many of the major improvements to the county’s roundabouts were ‘drawn up’ by monkeys from The Monkey Sanctuary in Looe.

He said: “It’s no secret that many of the major improvements to Cornwall’s roundabouts – such as Avers, Chiverton, Loggans Moor and Trafalgar – were all drawn up by monkeys, we just didn’t tell anyone about it.

“The reason we’ve been using monkeys, of course, is cost. I don’t have the figures on me, but we pay the monkeys in peanuts, which saves Cornwall Council millions of pounds each year.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, on his visit to Cornwall yesterday, spoke to reporters outside Warren’s pasty shop in Redruth:

“What I want to know is how these monkeys managed to get through Border Control, because they’re obviously not from the EU. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are Romanians in fancy dress.”

Barry Morrish, 39, from Redruth said: “Avers is the worst. If you go up the hill from Barncoose Roundabout and turn left to go on the A30, some idiot will suddenly appear alongside you on the inside lane, then try to cut in, forcing you into a game of dodgems.

“And if you’re coming off the A30 onto Avers, the arrows tell you to go from one lane to another, and before you know it, some idiot who looks like Nigel Farage cuts you up and forces you down the road towards Treleigh.”

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