These do-gooders need to accept that the correct term is ‘migrant’, says Farage

Do we refer to the migrants coming into Europe from parts of Africa and the Middle East as ‘migrants’ or ‘refugees’?

The debate surrounding this issue has turned many social media sites into war zones over the past couple of weeks.

Appearing live on Birmingham’s KFB Radio this afternoon, UKIP leader Nigel Farage had a lot to say on the matter.

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Cornwall’s roundabout improvements ‘drawn up’ by monkeys, says council leader

Cornwall Council leader Jon Bollocks has admitted to frustrated motorists across Cornwall that many of the major improvements to the county’s roundabouts were ‘drawn up’ by monkeys from The Monkey Sanctuary in Looe.

He said: “It’s no secret that many of the major improvements to Cornwall’s roundabouts – such as Avers, Chiverton, Loggans Moor and Trafalgar – were all drawn up by monkeys, we just didn’t tell anyone about it.

“The reason we’ve been using monkeys, of course, is cost. I don’t have the figures on me, but we pay the monkeys in peanuts, which saves Cornwall Council millions of pounds each year.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, on his visit to Cornwall yesterday, spoke to reporters outside Warren’s pasty shop in Redruth:

“What I want to know is how these monkeys managed to get through Border Control, because they’re obviously not from the EU. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are Romanians in fancy dress.”

Barry Morrish, 39, from Redruth said: “Avers is the worst. If you go up the hill from Barncoose Roundabout and turn left to go on the A30, some idiot will suddenly appear alongside you on the inside lane, then try to cut in, forcing you into a game of dodgems.

“And if you’re coming off the A30 onto Avers, the arrows tell you to go from one lane to another, and before you know it, some idiot who looks like Nigel Farage cuts you up and forces you down the road towards Treleigh.”

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I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole, says Farage

In a live radio phone-in Nigel Farage admitted to being an arsehole, but said that David Cameron is a bigger arsehole.

The UKIP leader made the announcement on BBC Radio Tittleworth’s lunchtime phone-in show this afternoon when a feisty Conservative supporter, called Mabel, phoned the show and said to Mr Farage: “If people vote UKIP they will get Labour, and Britain will remain in the EU.”

Nigel Farage replied: “I’ve heard this story a million times, and quite frankly I’m getting a little fed up hearing it. If David Cameron was serious about having a referendum he’d have had one yesterday.”

But this only inflamed Mabel all the more. She replied: “We can’t just pull out willy-nilly and you know it. You Mr Farage, are an arsehole.”

Unaware that Mabel had already hung-up, Nigel Farage added: “I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole for making promises he cannot keep. I know it, you know it – we all know it.”

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We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels, says EU commissioner

The traditional Christmas dinner party wouldn’t be the same without the jocular peal of wind, extricated from around the dinner table, like a fatuous jazz band at a comedy club. And that’s down to one vegetable: the Brussels sprout.

In a bid to control greenhouse gasses released into the atmosphere on Christmas Day, the European Union is asking us to condemn the sprout to the compost heap.

Otto Hitler, the European commissioner for flatulence said: “the increase in methane caused by excessive trumping on Christmas Day could inadvertently warm the planet enough to trigger off another ice age. We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels.”

UKIP leader and MEP, Nigel Farage said: “you can’t make it up, you really can’t. Especially when we all know who the real culprit is: and that’s Santa Claus. But I don’t see the European Union asking him to cut down on the mince pies. It beggars belief, it really does.”

29 million people tune into last night’s Question Time

It has been confirmed that last night’s episode of Question Time received a staggering 29 million viewers. It is unclear how many of these were Romanians and Bulgarians. The reason for the show’s success was the appearance of Russell Brand and Nigel Farage, on the guest panel. And as one might expect, things got a little heated.

At one point, Russell Brand called the UKIP leader a ‘pound shop Enoch Powell’ during a debate on immigration. And surprise surprise, Russell Brand threw in the word, ‘ostentatious’, whilst saying something about being bandaged up.

Mr Farage has since responded by saying: “We all know that Mr Brand was going to mention the word, we just didn’t know when, or in what context. I’m not even sure what he was on about – but quite frankly, nothing the man says, or does, surprises me anyway.”

Another heated moment came when a man with a walking stick verbally attacked Russell Brand, saying: “Stand for parliament. If you’re gonna campaign, then stand, ok?”

A member of the audience, sat near to Mr Walking Stick had this to say: “He was so angry that, when he pointed and opened his mouth to speak, he farted at the same time. Everyone in the audience heard it.”

The show was undoubtedly stolen though, by a blue haired woman who criticised Mr Farage, saying: “That’s what he does, he’s a racist scumbag trying to blame immigrants for the cutbacks…”

Russell Brand had this to say about Blue Hair: “She was so angry. I thought she was going to spew venom at Mr Pound Shop. What a star.”

Martians found in back of lorry at Dover port

Border forces were shocked to discover half a dozen Martians hidden inside the back of a lorry at the port of Dover late last night.

An eye-witness had this to say: “I was pissed at the time, which is why I want to remain anonymous, but I saw border officials handcuffing, what I can only describe as monsters, like those from the original of Dr Who series. You know, when monsters looked like they were made by some Blue Peter presenter with learning difficulties – all cardboard, and bubble wrap. It’s a joke, it really is. I’m convinced that one of us drivers will be killed soon.”

Nigel Farage was quick to chip in: “For all we know, these so-called Martians are really French immigrants in suits. I suggest that Border Force send them back to France, using Royal Mail’s Special Delivery service, and let the French authorities deal with the problem.”

David Cameron shares our frustration: “Let’s be clear about this – crystal clear. First of all, I want cast-iron guarantees, from the experts, that these are indeed Martians. And, if they are Martians, my view is simple: Mars, as far as I know, is not part of the EU, and never has been.

“Therefore these Martians, are illegal immigrants, and have not put anything into the system. But. And this is a really big but. As you all know, I’m not one to break promises – but it would be cheaper to keep them in Britain, on benefits, than it would be to send them back home. That’s a fact.

“I share the concerns and frustrations of the British taxpayers, of course I do – but this is, in no way an invitation for their families to come to Britain, to scrounge off the system. Let me make this clear: measures have been taken to ensure that benefits will not be going straight to their families on Mars.

“And, if they are to stay for a long period of time, and do not speak English, they will learn to speak English; if they do not respect British values, they will learn to respect British values; and if they have come to stop the tunnelling under Stonehenge, or try telling us that Stonehenge is some kind of homing beacon – not that my advisors have suggested such a thing – we will make it clear to them, that Stonehenge is not a homing beacon for galactic immigrants, and the tunnel will go ahead, as planned.”