Easter is racist, says Clegg

The Deputy Prime Minister has once again facepalmed the UK, this time by suggesting that Easter is racist.

The comments were made on yesterday’s episode of The Tuesday Grill on the CBBC channel. A programme presented by children between the ages of 7 and 14.

He said: “There are few nations as accommodating as ours. And we should be proud of that. But whilst we must do everything to respect the values and beliefs of all those who choose to come to live here, we must also discard anything that might offend – anything that might be outdated in our ever changing society.

“For example, this Christmas gone, schools across Britain scrapped the traditional school nativity and instead opted for more accommodating plays. I visited a primary school in Birmingham where I watched a play about three wise space giraffes who travelled across a sponge mountain to visit a pregnant alligator called Fred.

“And over the top of this was this weird mix of neuro funk, acid grime and two-step garage. I had no idea what was going on, but it is this sort of ingenious re-thinking that makes Britain great. And we can all learn from Fred’s Immaculate Conception.

“I say this because we are fast approaching the Easter period. As a nation we need to accept that we don’t all eat chocolate; we don’t all believe in the Easter bunny; but as a nation we all want to enjoy Easter.

“In a sense, the traditional Easter is racist, but it doesn’t need to be. I’ve already spoken to pupils at a primary school in Dudley who are busy organising a Jedi themed Easter play with bassline house and whomping dubstep rhythms.

“And why not?”


Cameron diagnosed with ‘gansta balls’

The prime minister has been diagnosed with a rare condition known as gansta balls. A condition which, up until now, has only affected people working in the black music industry.

David Cameron said: “I urge the British people not to see this as a bad thing. It isn’t. If anything, this makes me even more the man for the job. You need balls to run a country. And I’ve got them. The doctors have been quite clear about that.

“This condition might also explain why Nick Clegg’s been too frightened to slap me. Because we all know he wants to. So what I say to him is this: bring it on.”