Ed Miliband goes missing

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has gone missing after a routine trip to Marks & Spencers with wife Justine. The Incident happened on Saturday afternoon at around 2pm at their local store in North London.

Mrs Miliband told reporters: “It was just another day in M&S really. Before entering the store some kids were shouting things like, ‘Oi Wallace, where’s Gromit?’ but it was nothing really.

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Conservative voter decapitated by Labour sign

A Conservative voter, on her way to her local polling station in Basington, was decapitated by an airborne Labour sign.

Detective Inspector Matthew Hindsight from Basington Police Station made this statement: “We received a 999 call at approximately 7:20 this morning from a man who reported a possible beheading.

“Due to the suspicious nature of the call we sent out the firearms unit, who on arrival, found the attacker to be a 30ft Labour Party sign that had obviously been the victim of localised gale force winds. Paramedics arrived shortly after and confirmed the woman to be dead.

“The woman has since been identified as 80 year old Margaret Surrey who, according to her husband, was on her way to the polling station. It is believed that she would have voted Conservative.”

Michael Gale, 40, found the body. He said: “I found the body… and head, whilst on my way back from the polling station. I immediately put two-and-two together of course and assumed it was a beheading, but it’s like that fit police woman said, why would anyone behead an 80 year old pensioner? To think, I voted Labour! I only voted for the party because I heard Stephen Hawking was a fan.”

Terence Cusp, 58, who lives in a flat nearby said: “I tell you, those Labour supporters will do anything to get that extra vote. Let’s just hope that we don’t have to go through all of this again in October.”

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Ed Miliband wants to concrete over my garden, says mother of 6

On a recent visit to Finchley-on-Sea, Ed Miliband allegedly offered to concrete over a young mother’s garden.

Mother of 6, Abigail Buckett, 24, said: Mr Miliband was bangin’ on about getting Britain building again and said something about people sitting on land. I kinda lost interest for a bit, until I heard him offer to concrete over my garden.

“It sounded like a euphemism – and probably was. I hear he’s become something of a sex symbol with teenage girls since Zain left from One D. Anyway, he’s not going anywhere near my garden: it’s a mess as it is. And if he does get any ideas, I’m calling the police.

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