Hungary crackdown on migrants caught dropping litter

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán has announced plans to crack down on migrants caught dropping litter by issuing them with on-the-spot fines. He said:

“We don’t want them here. But Croatia is breaking international law by off-loading these people at our border. So, as a deterrent, we will issue any migrant caught dropping litter with an on-the-spot fine of up to 500 HUF. All major credit cards accepted.

“Refusal to pay a fine will result in a jail sentence. We need to make it clear to these people that Hungary is not a rubbish dump. The McDonald’s at Beremend border crossing has been inundated with migrants, but they do not use the bins provided.

“They finish their happy meals then discard their rubbish on the floor, inside and outside of the establishment, like animals. This is unacceptable. The manager at the branch has had to take on extra staff just to clean up the mess.”

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Cornish village likely to be ‘awash’ with ‘hot-blooded’ Demelza Carne fans

Following the success of BBC One’s Poldark, last Sunday night, the village of Illogan in Cornwall is likely to be awash with hot-blooded Demelza Carne fans. That’s according to Jimmy Brown-Balls, head of Let’s Visit Cornwall.

He said: “I can’t imagine visitors wanting to see Illogan itself because it hasn’t got any views of the sea, but social networking sites have been buzzing with comments suggesting that the place is likely to be awash with hot-blooded ginger lovers looking for Demelza Carne look-alikes. Not all the comments have been about Aidan Turner with his top off.”

Bronnen Manire, 34, who works at the Cornish Oven pasty shop said: “I’ve been told to expect plenty of assholes… holidaymakers… coming in, asking for things like fish pasties and cheesy slices.

“The locals won’t like it, but that Timmy Brown-Bags says it’ll boost the shops profits by about £10,000 a day. I don’t know. If it’s gonna be that busy we’ll need to get one of those drive thru’s like McDonald’s have got.”

Dorothy Tregenza, 102, said: “I’ve been living in Illogan all my life and the last time I saw a redhead was… before the Second World War, I think. She buggered off down West somewhere with some fancy man. Demelza, that was her name.”


Majority of British public can live without their brains – but not their phones, survey suggests

In a recent Youpeep survey the mobile phone was voted the number one item that the British public couldn’t live without, gaining 85% of the vote, with ‘a brain’ coming in second place with just 5% of the vote.

Other answers included a microwave, a car, a duck, crack, a bed, toast, my rabbit, everlasting McDonald’s meals, a joint, and Youtube.

Professor Brainchild from Durham University said:

“Knowing that the British public would choose their mobile phones over their brains is deeply disconcerting.

“Perhaps one day we will be able to keep our brains in our phones, I really don’t know. My answer would have been my budgerigar, Floopy Wingnut.”

Chaz Packman who gave ‘mobile phone’ as her answer said:

“I use my mobile all the time like, and only really use my brain… well, hardly ever. So, yeh, that’s my answer. I’m sure most people my age would agree with me. Brains are for losers.”

Chav finds lettuce in McDonald’s burger

A chav has found, what she has described as a ‘green thing’ in her McDonald’s Big Mac burger.

Samantha Smith (aka Sketz),19, who lives in Bristol, made the discovery yesterday afternoon whilst visiting her local branch with her 3 kids.

She said: “I don’t usually look inside the burgers, but I’m like trying to be a responsible mother. Anyway, I checked it out and found this green thing in there. I went absolutely mental. Why should I waste my hard earned child benefit money on some green shit?”

Branch manager, Barry Dick said: “I took the burger from Miss Smith and examined the contents using the store microscope. The offending item was indeed a lettuce leaf – a standard ingredient in our BigMac burgers.

“I told Miss Smith that we can offer her BigMacs without the lettuce, but she just went all street on me, before sitting back down with her kids. I then watched her remove the lettuce leaves from her kids’ burgers, which she flicked onto the floor with the rest of her rubbish. She’ll probably be back later this afternoon.”