Segway riders bearing gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect: school play sparks mixed reactions from parents

Year after year we have seen countless primary schools axing the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of politically-correct “winter celebrations”. And by the looks of it, this year’s not going to be any different.

St Cleef Primary School in South East London is rehearsing their play which features three Segway riders: an African NHS doctor, a Muslim mayor, and a Turkish barber, who follow the Bethnal Green Star to a refugee centre where they bear gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect.

One concerned mum, Cindy White, 23, said: “I wasn’t surprised that the school wasn’t holding a traditional play. Last year’s play had Thor in it, who came to the school bearing sweets. It caused a lot of concern because the guy playing the god of thunder looked like a paedo. Nothing like the actor in the Marvel films. It’s a good job the school banned any photography for that one.

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Ed Miliband goes missing

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has gone missing after a routine trip to Marks & Spencers with wife Justine. The Incident happened on Saturday afternoon at around 2pm at their local store in North London.

Mrs Miliband told reporters: “It was just another day in M&S really. Before entering the store some kids were shouting things like, ‘Oi Wallace, where’s Gromit?’ but it was nothing really.

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‘I want leave England’ says Syrian man after watching last night’s This Is England ’90 story

A Syrian man who was granted asylum in the UK earlier this year turned up at a police station in London last night and demanded to be sent “somewhere else” after watching the final episode of This Is England ’90.

Hassan Hassan, 23, told Fermented News: “I watched the programme and did not like it. I went to the police station after watching it and said to them, if this is England I want leave England and go somewhere else.”

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