On a recent visit to Finchley-on-Sea, Ed Miliband allegedly offered to concrete over a young mother’s garden.
Mother of 6, Abigail Buckett, 24, said: Mr Miliband was bangin’ on about getting Britain building again and said something about people sitting on land. I kinda lost interest for a bit, until I heard him offer to concrete over my garden.
“It sounded like a euphemism – and probably was. I hear he’s become something of a sex symbol with teenage girls since Zain left from One D. Anyway, he’s not going anywhere near my garden: it’s a mess as it is. And if he does get any ideas, I’m calling the police.
Ed Miliband has today revealed that his six-point plan for Britain has six points within each point, but says that this would not make it a thirty-six-point plan.
The Labour leader said: “Some people have said to me that a six-point plan with six points within each point is actually a thirty-six-point plan, but what I have to say is this. A six-point plan is still a six-point plan regardless of how many points are within each point.
“Let me explain. Before trying to understand the complexities of a point-plan system, we must first address it. And there’s no point doing that, until we’ve looked at it. It’s as simple as that.”
David Cameron made his feelings clear: “One minute Ed Miliband’s talking about a five-point plan, the next minute he’s talking about a seven-point plan. And now I hear he’s talking about points within each point of a point plan.
“What he’s got to realise is – and I’ve told him this time and time again – it doesn’t matter how many points there are to any of his plans, because they’re all focused on the same things: the NHS, the cost of living crisis, and the housing crisis.
“He could come up with a hundred-point plan and still forget to mention issues such as immigration and the deficit. The man’s an idiot.”
The Prime Minister has called for an end to Ed Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating. The news came after the Labour leader told reporters that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese.
Cameron said: “I’m fed up with Ed Miliband’s incessant cheese eating during House of Commons debates. As soon as the camera’s turned, he starts nibbling away on the stuff like some demented dairy squirrel. And now I hear that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese. He’s clearly trying to wind me up.”
Ed Miliband responded: “I don’t know why my cheese eating concerns David Cameron, I really don’t. The way I see it is this: I take with me, into the House of Commons, a tiny handheld vacuum cleaner which I use to pick up any crumbs I’ve dropped. Because let’s face it, that’s the decent thing to do.
“Unlike David Cameron, who’s quite happy to leave canapé crumbs behind for someone else to pick up. That’s the fundamental difference between Labour and the Conservatives. If there’s a mess that needs picking up, the Labour Party will find be there to pick the mess up. It’s as simple as that.”
Ed Miliband has recently made it clear that the role of Wallace, in a live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers, is his if he wants it.
“Let’s be clear about this,” said the Labour leader. “I had a telephone call from Nick Park, asking if I would like to play the part of Wallace, for which I am deeply honoured. And I make no apology for being deeply honoured.
“Above all, I can see why Nick wants me to play the part, of course I can. Wallace and I are very similar. For one, we are both good at DIY. It wasn’t that long ago that I tried to change a lightbulb.
“But, the way I see it is this. As much as I relish the chance of playing Wallace, I simply cannot do two things at once. It’s like trying to change a lightbulb whilst eating a bacon sandwich.
“Labour is set to win the 2015 general election, and I need to be there as Ed Miliband, not Wallace. Which is exactly what I told Nick.
“What I say is this. Nick has told me that I am the best man for the role, and that the role is mine if I want it. So if I find myself in a position to play Wallace, say, in a year’s time, I will make a five-point plan – or even a seven-point plan – and tackle the Wallace crisis.”
David Cameron had this to say: “My view is simple. There’s only one way Ed Miliband’s going to be in this film, and that’s if you don’t vote Labour. It’s as simple as that.”