Corbyn refuses to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at 6-year-old’s birthday party

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn left dozens of children in tears on Sunday afternoon after refusing to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to six-year-old boy, Peter Sampson. The incident happened at Peter’s grandparents’ house in Shropshire.

Peter’s granddad, Warren Carpenter, 68, said: “I’ve known Corbyn for years, but I only really invited him because my daughter wanted to meet him. If I realised he was going to be such an arsehole I wouldn’t have bothered.”

Warren’s daughter, Isabelle Sampson, 43, said: “Everything was fine, until we all sat around the table together. I noticed that Jeremy had started arguing with my husband about wearing a paper hat. So I ran in to get the cake. You know, as a distraction.

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Ed Miliband goes missing

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has gone missing after a routine trip to Marks & Spencers with wife Justine. The Incident happened on Saturday afternoon at around 2pm at their local store in North London.

Mrs Miliband told reporters: “It was just another day in M&S really. Before entering the store some kids were shouting things like, ‘Oi Wallace, where’s Gromit?’ but it was nothing really.

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David Cameron spent most of the time staring at my cleavage, says Harriet Harman

Harriet Harman, this week, stepped back from front bench politics after 28 years of service. Just three days before her party choses a successor to Ed Miliband.

But she didn’t go down without a fight. Harman decided to make her last appearance at the dispatch box a memorable one, interrogating David Cameron at Wednesday’s PMQs over the number of Syrian refugees that will be allowed into the UK this year.

Discussing Wednesday’s PMQs on BBC Radio Live this morning, Harman said:

“He spoke about meetings, the excellent work done by Save the Children, and even paid tribute to my 28 years in service as a front bencher. But this crisis is happening as we speak.

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Exposed: Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination!

The plans were discovered yesterday afternoon by retired teas maid Hilda Tilsbury, 78, from Dudley, in an e-mail from the Labour Party. Mrs Tilsbury opened the e-mail expecting it to be about her unanswered question to the party, regarding membership discounts for retired animal carers. Not Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination.

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Conservative voter decapitated by Labour sign

A Conservative voter, on her way to her local polling station in Basington, was decapitated by an airborne Labour sign.

Detective Inspector Matthew Hindsight from Basington Police Station made this statement: “We received a 999 call at approximately 7:20 this morning from a man who reported a possible beheading.

“Due to the suspicious nature of the call we sent out the firearms unit, who on arrival, found the attacker to be a 30ft Labour Party sign that had obviously been the victim of localised gale force winds. Paramedics arrived shortly after and confirmed the woman to be dead.

“The woman has since been identified as 80 year old Margaret Surrey who, according to her husband, was on her way to the polling station. It is believed that she would have voted Conservative.”

Michael Gale, 40, found the body. He said: “I found the body… and head, whilst on my way back from the polling station. I immediately put two-and-two together of course and assumed it was a beheading, but it’s like that fit police woman said, why would anyone behead an 80 year old pensioner? To think, I voted Labour! I only voted for the party because I heard Stephen Hawking was a fan.”

Terence Cusp, 58, who lives in a flat nearby said: “I tell you, those Labour supporters will do anything to get that extra vote. Let’s just hope that we don’t have to go through all of this again in October.”

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Miliband reveals 6 point plan to Northernise Cornwall’s food banks

Ed Miliband has set out, what he has described as, a 6 point plan (a food menu) to introduce to Cornwall’s food banks.

He said: What I have to say is this. I have set out a 6 point plan to add additional food to the food banks of Cornwall. For example: I hear that many people in the county are having to eat their meals without gravy. This is not acceptable in the 21st Century.

“Under a Labour government, food parcels in Cornwall will include gravy, a variety of pies and puddings, and if there’s enough gravy left, Eccles cakes for pudding.”

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But is this an attempt to Northernise Cornwall’s poorest areas?

Kazia Mitchell, 29, thinks so: “Camborne has been inundated with Labour propaganda from that scary man with the second-home. And with it, there’s an unmistakable lack of optimism in the air, and an irrational need to see the World in a cynical way.

“It’s as if I’ve woken up in Northern England. And now Ed Miliband’s trying to feed tripe to the people using food banks – literally!”

Dick Cole, leader of Mebyon Kernow has described the Labour leader’s 6 point plan as both, ‘patronising’ and ‘insulting’.

He said: “To bribe some of the poorest people in our communities in this way is both patronising, and insulting. This is why we need locally elected politicians to represent Cornwall, to give Cornwall a real voice.

“The pasty is the food of our nation, so if any regional food is going to be introduced into our food banks, it should be that.

“Mebyon Kernow is the only party committed to fighting the Tories pasty tax and Labour’s undermining of our national food with promises of black pudding and Shropshire Fidget pie.

“Unlike Ed Miliband, I’m not going to make false promises, but a vote for Mebyon Kernow is a vote for the traditional Cornish pasty.”