David Cameron creams Ed Miliband during PM’s Questions

David Cameron has attacked Ed Miliband with a ‘gargantuan’ cream bun during this afternoon’s Prime Minister’s Questions. The attack came about after the Prime Minister saw the Labour leader scoffing his face with the confectionery.

David Cameron said: “There’s only so much you can take, there really is. I’m absolutely fed up with Ed Miliband’s schoolboy attitude in the House of Commons. I was in the middle of answering a question about cast-iron guarantees when I noticed him slouched in his chair with his knees crossed, like he always does, eating a gargantuan cream bun.

“So I went over to him and pushed the bun into his ugly mug. Not that it helped the situation, because instead of sitting up and paying attention, he spent the remaining 10 minutes, licking his face with his unusually long lizard-like tongue.”

Conservative MP, Natasha Hare said: “It was hideous. Ed Miliband looked like the Toad from those X-Men films. You can’t blame the Prime Minister for doing what he did.”

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Cameron calls for an end to Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating

The Prime Minister has called for an end to Ed Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating. The news came after the Labour leader told reporters that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese.

Cameron said: “I’m fed up with Ed Miliband’s incessant cheese eating during House of Commons debates. As soon as the camera’s turned, he starts nibbling away on the stuff like some demented dairy squirrel. And now I hear that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese. He’s clearly trying to wind me up.”

Ed Miliband responded: “I don’t know why my cheese eating concerns David Cameron, I really don’t. The way I see it is this: I take with me, into the House of Commons, a tiny handheld vacuum cleaner which I use to pick up any crumbs I’ve dropped. Because let’s face it, that’s the decent thing to do.

“Unlike David Cameron, who’s quite happy to leave canapé crumbs behind for someone else to pick up. That’s the fundamental difference between Labour and the Conservatives. If there’s a mess that needs picking up, the Labour Party will find be there to pick the mess up. It’s as simple as that.”

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