Cornish village likely to be ‘awash’ with ‘hot-blooded’ Demelza Carne fans

Following the success of BBC One’s Poldark, last Sunday night, the village of Illogan in Cornwall is likely to be awash with hot-blooded Demelza Carne fans. That’s according to Jimmy Brown-Balls, head of Let’s Visit Cornwall.

He said: “I can’t imagine visitors wanting to see Illogan itself because it hasn’t got any views of the sea, but social networking sites have been buzzing with comments suggesting that the place is likely to be awash with hot-blooded ginger lovers looking for Demelza Carne look-alikes. Not all the comments have been about Aidan Turner with his top off.”

Bronnen Manire, 34, who works at the Cornish Oven pasty shop said: “I’ve been told to expect plenty of assholes… holidaymakers… coming in, asking for things like fish pasties and cheesy slices.

“The locals won’t like it, but that Timmy Brown-Bags says it’ll boost the shops profits by about £10,000 a day. I don’t know. If it’s gonna be that busy we’ll need to get one of those drive thru’s like McDonald’s have got.”

Dorothy Tregenza, 102, said: “I’ve been living in Illogan all my life and the last time I saw a redhead was… before the Second World War, I think. She buggered off down West somewhere with some fancy man. Demelza, that was her name.”

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99% of properties in St Ives are holiday homes

A recent report suggests that 99% of property in the idyllic fishing resort of St Ives in Cornwall is either holiday lets or second homes. This news comes a month after St Ives Council proposed a ban on outsiders buying second homes in the area.

Molly Stevens, a 27 year old who lives with her mum in the town said: “I’ll never be able to afford my own home here. I’d have to win the lottery to buy a parking space, but I can’t exactly live in my car.”

Businessman, Pete Staffford said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. English resorts like this rely on people like me. I’ve worked hard to set up my business down here, but these locals carry on biting the hand that feeds. It’s because of us Londoners coming down that these 48,000 new homes are being built. It’s supply and demand, ain’t it?”

Second home owner, Baz Masi has a similar story: I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, just like my parents before me. My dad ran a protection racket in Walford, and my ma, she was a sex worker from Russia. I saw her work hard for her money.”

For Mr Nicolls, sitting glumly behind the counter of his Cornish pasty shop, the prospect of making a sale today looks unlikely:

“As you can see, it’s early December, and it’s like a bleddy ghost town me ‘ansum. All I get this time of year are visitors coming in asking for pasties covered in chocolate, or with fish in. Fish pasties! They’re like bleddy seagulls! Guss-on with ya.”

When asked about his own living arrangements, Mr Nicolls said: “Well, I’m fortunate enough to have a parking space on the other side of town.”

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