Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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Hungary crackdown on migrants caught dropping litter

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán has announced plans to crack down on migrants caught dropping litter by issuing them with on-the-spot fines. He said:

“We don’t want them here. But Croatia is breaking international law by off-loading these people at our border. So, as a deterrent, we will issue any migrant caught dropping litter with an on-the-spot fine of up to 500 HUF. All major credit cards accepted.

“Refusal to pay a fine will result in a jail sentence. We need to make it clear to these people that Hungary is not a rubbish dump. The McDonald’s at Beremend border crossing has been inundated with migrants, but they do not use the bins provided.

“They finish their happy meals then discard their rubbish on the floor, inside and outside of the establishment, like animals. This is unacceptable. The manager at the branch has had to take on extra staff just to clean up the mess.”

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These do-gooders need to accept that the correct term is ‘migrant’, says Farage

Do we refer to the migrants coming into Europe from parts of Africa and the Middle East as ‘migrants’ or ‘refugees’?

The debate surrounding this issue has turned many social media sites into war zones over the past couple of weeks.

Appearing live on Birmingham’s KFB Radio this afternoon, UKIP leader Nigel Farage had a lot to say on the matter.

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David Cameron creams Ed Miliband during PM’s Questions

David Cameron has attacked Ed Miliband with a ‘gargantuan’ cream bun during this afternoon’s Prime Minister’s Questions. The attack came about after the Prime Minister saw the Labour leader scoffing his face with the confectionery.

David Cameron said: “There’s only so much you can take, there really is. I’m absolutely fed up with Ed Miliband’s schoolboy attitude in the House of Commons. I was in the middle of answering a question about cast-iron guarantees when I noticed him slouched in his chair with his knees crossed, like he always does, eating a gargantuan cream bun.

“So I went over to him and pushed the bun into his ugly mug. Not that it helped the situation, because instead of sitting up and paying attention, he spent the remaining 10 minutes, licking his face with his unusually long lizard-like tongue.”

Conservative MP, Natasha Hare said: “It was hideous. Ed Miliband looked like the Toad from those X-Men films. You can’t blame the Prime Minister for doing what he did.”

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Man finds Doctor Who monster in his garden

A man has found, what he has described as a “Doctor Who monster” in his back garden.

Albert Finch, 51, who lives in Newbury in Berkshire, made the discovery yesterday afternoon.

He said: “I went out to do a bit of weeding. It shouldn’t have been much. But when I got down to the rose border, I was confronted by this mass of leaves and branches. Some of the branches were as thick as toilet rolls. And, I know it was blowing to gale and all, but the branches were moving too, just like those Krynoids from Doctor Who.

“Anyway, I called for Jack next door, to get his opinion. He listens to Gardeners’ Question Time, you see. ‘Looks like one of those Triffids from Doctor Who,’ he said. I tried explaining to him that he meant Krynoids, but he wasn’t having any of it. Nightmare!

“Anyway, to end the argument I asked him into the house to watch The Seeds of Doom on VHS, but by the time we finished watching the six-parter starring Tom Baker, the thing outside had buggered off.

“And, even then Jack still insisted that the thing looked like a Triffid, and still insisted that the Triffids were in Doctor Who. I phoned my younger brother, Peter, later that evening and he said it was probably a Vervoid – whatever that is.”

Police are asking people in the area to be on the lookout for any “bug-eyed vegetable matter.”

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Image from The Seeds of Doom

 

Katy Wix injures finger on Planet of the Baboons set

Katy Wix was taken to hospital late last night after being injured on the set of Planet of the Baboons.

The Not Going Out star told reporters: “Oh, it was nothing. Just a scratch, really. My finger slipped on a razor sharp baboon tooth. Or rather, I slipped and my hand went into the baboon’s mouth and cut my finger. It could have been a lot worse when you think about it. I mean, imagine if my head went into its mouth.

“Most of the baboons are added later in the edit, so it’s not likely to happen again. Not unless I slip and injure myself on the green screen. Now, that would be embarrassing.”.

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Sir Ridley Scott’s Planet of the Baboons is due to be released in cinemas this October.

Cameron calls for an end to Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating

The Prime Minister has called for an end to Ed Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating. The news came after the Labour leader told reporters that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese.

Cameron said: “I’m fed up with Ed Miliband’s incessant cheese eating during House of Commons debates. As soon as the camera’s turned, he starts nibbling away on the stuff like some demented dairy squirrel. And now I hear that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese. He’s clearly trying to wind me up.”

Ed Miliband responded: “I don’t know why my cheese eating concerns David Cameron, I really don’t. The way I see it is this: I take with me, into the House of Commons, a tiny handheld vacuum cleaner which I use to pick up any crumbs I’ve dropped. Because let’s face it, that’s the decent thing to do.

“Unlike David Cameron, who’s quite happy to leave canapé crumbs behind for someone else to pick up. That’s the fundamental difference between Labour and the Conservatives. If there’s a mess that needs picking up, the Labour Party will find be there to pick the mess up. It’s as simple as that.”

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