200 MILLION migrant pigeons could invade Europe in 2016

Top EU officials have been warned that pigeons are disappearing from cities across the Middle East at an alarming rate and are heading in unprecedented numbers to countries across Europe, all due to the threat imposed upon them by the jihadist organization, ISIS.

Bertram Cumberbatch, head of The International Bird Watching Society, said: “ISIS have made the pigeon an enemy by preventing pigeon breeding on roofs, as they claim that the sight of the birds’ genitalia is a distraction from their daily worship. This has led to many of the birds ending up in ISIS torture camps, where they are beaten, flogged, burned and even beheaded.

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Cornwall’s roundabout improvements ‘drawn up’ by monkeys, says council leader

Cornwall Council leader Jon Bollocks has admitted to frustrated motorists across Cornwall that many of the major improvements to the county’s roundabouts were ‘drawn up’ by monkeys from The Monkey Sanctuary in Looe.

He said: “It’s no secret that many of the major improvements to Cornwall’s roundabouts – such as Avers, Chiverton, Loggans Moor and Trafalgar – were all drawn up by monkeys, we just didn’t tell anyone about it.

“The reason we’ve been using monkeys, of course, is cost. I don’t have the figures on me, but we pay the monkeys in peanuts, which saves Cornwall Council millions of pounds each year.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, on his visit to Cornwall yesterday, spoke to reporters outside Warren’s pasty shop in Redruth:

“What I want to know is how these monkeys managed to get through Border Control, because they’re obviously not from the EU. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are Romanians in fancy dress.”

Barry Morrish, 39, from Redruth said: “Avers is the worst. If you go up the hill from Barncoose Roundabout and turn left to go on the A30, some idiot will suddenly appear alongside you on the inside lane, then try to cut in, forcing you into a game of dodgems.

“And if you’re coming off the A30 onto Avers, the arrows tell you to go from one lane to another, and before you know it, some idiot who looks like Nigel Farage cuts you up and forces you down the road towards Treleigh.”

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We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels, says EU commissioner

The traditional Christmas dinner party wouldn’t be the same without the jocular peal of wind, extricated from around the dinner table, like a fatuous jazz band at a comedy club. And that’s down to one vegetable: the Brussels sprout.

In a bid to control greenhouse gasses released into the atmosphere on Christmas Day, the European Union is asking us to condemn the sprout to the compost heap.

Otto Hitler, the European commissioner for flatulence said: “the increase in methane caused by excessive trumping on Christmas Day could inadvertently warm the planet enough to trigger off another ice age. We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels.”

UKIP leader and MEP, Nigel Farage said: “you can’t make it up, you really can’t. Especially when we all know who the real culprit is: and that’s Santa Claus. But I don’t see the European Union asking him to cut down on the mince pies. It beggars belief, it really does.”

Martians found in back of lorry at Dover port

Border forces were shocked to discover half a dozen Martians hidden inside the back of a lorry at the port of Dover late last night.

An eye-witness had this to say: “I was pissed at the time, which is why I want to remain anonymous, but I saw border officials handcuffing, what I can only describe as monsters, like those from the original of Dr Who series. You know, when monsters looked like they were made by some Blue Peter presenter with learning difficulties – all cardboard, and bubble wrap. It’s a joke, it really is. I’m convinced that one of us drivers will be killed soon.”

Nigel Farage was quick to chip in: “For all we know, these so-called Martians are really French immigrants in suits. I suggest that Border Force send them back to France, using Royal Mail’s Special Delivery service, and let the French authorities deal with the problem.”

David Cameron shares our frustration: “Let’s be clear about this – crystal clear. First of all, I want cast-iron guarantees, from the experts, that these are indeed Martians. And, if they are Martians, my view is simple: Mars, as far as I know, is not part of the EU, and never has been.

“Therefore these Martians, are illegal immigrants, and have not put anything into the system. But. And this is a really big but. As you all know, I’m not one to break promises – but it would be cheaper to keep them in Britain, on benefits, than it would be to send them back home. That’s a fact.

“I share the concerns and frustrations of the British taxpayers, of course I do – but this is, in no way an invitation for their families to come to Britain, to scrounge off the system. Let me make this clear: measures have been taken to ensure that benefits will not be going straight to their families on Mars.

“And, if they are to stay for a long period of time, and do not speak English, they will learn to speak English; if they do not respect British values, they will learn to respect British values; and if they have come to stop the tunnelling under Stonehenge, or try telling us that Stonehenge is some kind of homing beacon – not that my advisors have suggested such a thing – we will make it clear to them, that Stonehenge is not a homing beacon for galactic immigrants, and the tunnel will go ahead, as planned.”