Doctor Who: talking donkey-zebra hybrid hinted to be season 12 companion

Whether you like it or not, Season 11 of Doctor Who celebrates equality & diversity in all its glory. From the Doctor’s rainbow t-shirt, in respect of gay pride, to the man giving birth on last Sunday’s episode, The Tsuranga Conundrum, and even hints that the Doctor herself bats for both sides. And the fun doesn’t stop there…

… in celebration of the birth of Britain’s second zonkey, a donkey crossed with a zebra, the BBC have hinted that a new companion for Season 12 could actually be a zonkey, and that the zonkey will be able to talk just like the other companions.

Speaking on Timey-Wimey FM, Tilly Champers, 16, a spokesperson for the LGBT Whovian Group, said: “we should celebrate all forms of diversity, so the news that a zonkey might be joining the crew of the TARDIS is music to my little gay ears.

“Since Jodie has been on the show, a lot of the older fans have been exposed for their racist and sexist views, being against anyone who isn’t white, male and heterosexual. Well, let’s see what they think of this idea. I pray to God, the zonkey isn’t straight.”

pride donkey

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Ed Miliband goes missing

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has gone missing after a routine trip to Marks & Spencers with wife Justine. The Incident happened on Saturday afternoon at around 2pm at their local store in North London.

Mrs Miliband told reporters: “It was just another day in M&S really. Before entering the store some kids were shouting things like, ‘Oi Wallace, where’s Gromit?’ but it was nothing really.

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Daleks confirmed for all future series of Doctor Who

That’s according to Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat.

He said: “I can confirm that the Daleks will appear in all future series of the show. Why wouldn’t they?

“Daleks mean high viewing figures, and, I know I shouldn’t say it, but I’ve still got to prove to people that I’m a better producer than Russell T Davis.”

Peter Capaldi said: “The way I see it is, every generation of kids watching the show need to see the Daleks.

“And what with kids growing up faster than ever, the Doctor’s deadliest foes have got to be on our screens as much as possible. Otherwise the kids will miss them.”

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Man finds Doctor Who monster in his garden

A man has found, what he has described as a “Doctor Who monster” in his back garden.

Albert Finch, 51, who lives in Newbury in Berkshire, made the discovery yesterday afternoon.

He said: “I went out to do a bit of weeding. It shouldn’t have been much. But when I got down to the rose border, I was confronted by this mass of leaves and branches. Some of the branches were as thick as toilet rolls. And, I know it was blowing to gale and all, but the branches were moving too, just like those Krynoids from Doctor Who.

“Anyway, I called for Jack next door, to get his opinion. He listens to Gardeners’ Question Time, you see. ‘Looks like one of those Triffids from Doctor Who,’ he said. I tried explaining to him that he meant Krynoids, but he wasn’t having any of it. Nightmare!

“Anyway, to end the argument I asked him into the house to watch The Seeds of Doom on VHS, but by the time we finished watching the six-parter starring Tom Baker, the thing outside had buggered off.

“And, even then Jack still insisted that the thing looked like a Triffid, and still insisted that the Triffids were in Doctor Who. I phoned my younger brother, Peter, later that evening and he said it was probably a Vervoid – whatever that is.”

Police are asking people in the area to be on the lookout for any “bug-eyed vegetable matter.”

Krynoid (2)

Image from The Seeds of Doom

 

Dalek robs pound shop in Hull

Staff at a pound shop in Hull were surprised to see a life-sized Dalek glide into the store on Saturday afternoon. Till operator, Samuel Davies, who has not been to work since, had this to say:

“I called out for the next customer to come to the till – and this Dalek glided up. Its eyestalk turned towards me, and its dome lights flashed menacingly. It demanded all the money, or said I’d be exterminated. What was I supposed to do?

“I took the money from the till, placed it in one of the carrier bags, and stuck the carrier onto the Dalek’s sink plunger-thing. I thought I was going to die.”

Store manager, Baz Fleming caught up with the Dalek outside the store, where it transpired the menace from Skaro was not working alone.

“I saw the Dalek stop in front of these two boys,” said Mr Fleming. “For some reason they were both blacked-up, which threw me a bit. Then I noticed that one of them had a remote control in his hands. I charged forwards, careful to avoid the Dalek’s death-ray, seized the remote control – and the bag on money of course – then informed the pair that they’d have to come back into the store for questioning.”

One of the boy’s, who cannot be named for legal reason, had this to say: “It was a joke. We didn’t actually think the guy on the till was actually going to hand the money over. I don’t think the money was an issue anyway, because when the policeman came into the room, he was more bothered about us dressed as Ogrons.”

“I responded to a call saying that a Dalek had robbed the pound shop in town,” said PCSO Kato West. “And if that wasn’t weird enough, when I walked into the manager’s office, there were these two boys who’d blacked themselves up. They were both 11 years of age, so it’s the parents I blame.

“I let them off with a warning, telling them that going around looking like that was very offensive, and that they should not do it again. As for the Dalek: if I had my way I’d have him locked up… I say ‘him’, I think all Daleks are male, but I’m no expert where that sort of thing’s concerned.”

Computer-generated Tom Baker to star in two-part Doctor Who story in 2015

Stephen Moffat, writer and producer of Doctor Who, has confirmed that Tom Baker will play the Doctor in a two part story next year. Tom will only be doing the voice though, because the rest of him will be computer generated.

“The technology is advanced enough for us to do this,” said Mr Moffat, “so we’re doing it. I’ve been on the phone to Tom, he’s happy to do it – and we’re going to be filming a two-parter very soon, with Tom up against the Zygons. It’s going to be brilliant.”

Tom Baker remembers the phone call: “I remember the call well. At first I thought it was from one of those companies offering compensation for mis-sold payment protection insurance, but then I realised it was Stephen Moffat. ‘Stephen’ I said, ‘it’s so good to hear from you’. Of course, he thought I was being sarcastic. But I meant it. I really did.

“And when he said that he wanted me to play the Doctor again… well, I was over the Moon. But, suddenly, and terribly, I realised I’d changed – not in a Timelord sense, of course… and not that it mattered in that story with Matt Smith, but this was different. This time he wants me to star in a two part story, against the ZYGONS! I remember coming up against them in Scotland, I think it was.

“So, I said, ‘that’s great Stephen – but I hope you’ve got some good anti-aging cream there at the BBC.’ He laughed. I Iaughed. We both laughed… then I put the phone down because my dinner was getting cold. I got back to him though, and he explained everything to me. I can’t wait to get back inside the TARDIS – life hasn’t been the same without it!”

Martians found in back of lorry at Dover port

Border forces were shocked to discover half a dozen Martians hidden inside the back of a lorry at the port of Dover late last night.

An eye-witness had this to say: “I was pissed at the time, which is why I want to remain anonymous, but I saw border officials handcuffing, what I can only describe as monsters, like those from the original of Dr Who series. You know, when monsters looked like they were made by some Blue Peter presenter with learning difficulties – all cardboard, and bubble wrap. It’s a joke, it really is. I’m convinced that one of us drivers will be killed soon.”

Nigel Farage was quick to chip in: “For all we know, these so-called Martians are really French immigrants in suits. I suggest that Border Force send them back to France, using Royal Mail’s Special Delivery service, and let the French authorities deal with the problem.”

David Cameron shares our frustration: “Let’s be clear about this – crystal clear. First of all, I want cast-iron guarantees, from the experts, that these are indeed Martians. And, if they are Martians, my view is simple: Mars, as far as I know, is not part of the EU, and never has been.

“Therefore these Martians, are illegal immigrants, and have not put anything into the system. But. And this is a really big but. As you all know, I’m not one to break promises – but it would be cheaper to keep them in Britain, on benefits, than it would be to send them back home. That’s a fact.

“I share the concerns and frustrations of the British taxpayers, of course I do – but this is, in no way an invitation for their families to come to Britain, to scrounge off the system. Let me make this clear: measures have been taken to ensure that benefits will not be going straight to their families on Mars.

“And, if they are to stay for a long period of time, and do not speak English, they will learn to speak English; if they do not respect British values, they will learn to respect British values; and if they have come to stop the tunnelling under Stonehenge, or try telling us that Stonehenge is some kind of homing beacon – not that my advisors have suggested such a thing – we will make it clear to them, that Stonehenge is not a homing beacon for galactic immigrants, and the tunnel will go ahead, as planned.”