David Cameron creams Ed Miliband during PM’s Questions

David Cameron has attacked Ed Miliband with a ‘gargantuan’ cream bun during this afternoon’s Prime Minister’s Questions. The attack came about after the Prime Minister saw the Labour leader scoffing his face with the confectionery.

David Cameron said: “There’s only so much you can take, there really is. I’m absolutely fed up with Ed Miliband’s schoolboy attitude in the House of Commons. I was in the middle of answering a question about cast-iron guarantees when I noticed him slouched in his chair with his knees crossed, like he always does, eating a gargantuan cream bun.

“So I went over to him and pushed the bun into his ugly mug. Not that it helped the situation, because instead of sitting up and paying attention, he spent the remaining 10 minutes, licking his face with his unusually long lizard-like tongue.”

Conservative MP, Natasha Hare said: “It was hideous. Ed Miliband looked like the Toad from those X-Men films. You can’t blame the Prime Minister for doing what he did.”

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Cameron calls for an end to Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating

The Prime Minister has called for an end to Ed Miliband’s “incessant” cheese eating. The news came after the Labour leader told reporters that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese.

Cameron said: “I’m fed up with Ed Miliband’s incessant cheese eating during House of Commons debates. As soon as the camera’s turned, he starts nibbling away on the stuff like some demented dairy squirrel. And now I hear that his New Year’s resolution is to eat more cheese. He’s clearly trying to wind me up.”

Ed Miliband responded: “I don’t know why my cheese eating concerns David Cameron, I really don’t. The way I see it is this: I take with me, into the House of Commons, a tiny handheld vacuum cleaner which I use to pick up any crumbs I’ve dropped. Because let’s face it, that’s the decent thing to do.

“Unlike David Cameron, who’s quite happy to leave canapé crumbs behind for someone else to pick up. That’s the fundamental difference between Labour and the Conservatives. If there’s a mess that needs picking up, the Labour Party will find be there to pick the mess up. It’s as simple as that.”

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Remake of The Wrong Trouser’s could star Ed Miliband as Wallace

Ed Miliband has recently made it clear that the role of Wallace, in a live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers, is his if he wants it.

“Let’s be clear about this,” said the Labour leader. “I had a telephone call from Nick Park, asking if I would like to play the part of Wallace, for which I am deeply honoured. And I make no apology for being deeply honoured.

“Above all, I can see why Nick wants me to play the part, of course I can. Wallace and I are very similar. For one, we are both good at DIY. It wasn’t that long ago that I tried to change a lightbulb.

“But, the way I see it is this. As much as I relish the chance of playing Wallace, I simply cannot do two things at once. It’s like trying to change a lightbulb whilst eating a bacon sandwich.

“Labour is set to win the 2015 general election, and I need to be there as Ed Miliband, not Wallace. Which is exactly what I told Nick.

“What I say is this. Nick has told me that I am the best man for the role, and that the role is mine if I want it. So if I find myself in a position to play Wallace, say, in a year’s time, I will make a five-point plan – or even a seven-point plan – and tackle the Wallace crisis.”

David Cameron had this to say: “My view is simple. There’s only one way Ed Miliband’s going to be in this film, and that’s if you don’t vote Labour. It’s as simple as that.”

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Martians found in back of lorry at Dover port

Border forces were shocked to discover half a dozen Martians hidden inside the back of a lorry at the port of Dover late last night.

An eye-witness had this to say: “I was pissed at the time, which is why I want to remain anonymous, but I saw border officials handcuffing, what I can only describe as monsters, like those from the original of Dr Who series. You know, when monsters looked like they were made by some Blue Peter presenter with learning difficulties – all cardboard, and bubble wrap. It’s a joke, it really is. I’m convinced that one of us drivers will be killed soon.”

Nigel Farage was quick to chip in: “For all we know, these so-called Martians are really French immigrants in suits. I suggest that Border Force send them back to France, using Royal Mail’s Special Delivery service, and let the French authorities deal with the problem.”

David Cameron shares our frustration: “Let’s be clear about this – crystal clear. First of all, I want cast-iron guarantees, from the experts, that these are indeed Martians. And, if they are Martians, my view is simple: Mars, as far as I know, is not part of the EU, and never has been.

“Therefore these Martians, are illegal immigrants, and have not put anything into the system. But. And this is a really big but. As you all know, I’m not one to break promises – but it would be cheaper to keep them in Britain, on benefits, than it would be to send them back home. That’s a fact.

“I share the concerns and frustrations of the British taxpayers, of course I do – but this is, in no way an invitation for their families to come to Britain, to scrounge off the system. Let me make this clear: measures have been taken to ensure that benefits will not be going straight to their families on Mars.

“And, if they are to stay for a long period of time, and do not speak English, they will learn to speak English; if they do not respect British values, they will learn to respect British values; and if they have come to stop the tunnelling under Stonehenge, or try telling us that Stonehenge is some kind of homing beacon – not that my advisors have suggested such a thing – we will make it clear to them, that Stonehenge is not a homing beacon for galactic immigrants, and the tunnel will go ahead, as planned.”

Ed Miliband’s DNA identical to a Victoria sponge

Professor Bryan Cocks from BritonsDNA conducted the research after the Labour leader’s brother, David, questioned Ed Miliband’s belief that “there is something cannibalistic about eating sponge”.

“We all know he was a bit of an odd-ball,” said Professor Cocks, “but this research is something else.

“At first I thought David’s request a bit odd, but I carried out the tests anyway, and in my forty years as a geneticist, I have seen nothing like it – Ed Miliband’s DNA is identical to that of a common Victoria sponge.”

Mr Miliband though does not think this at all strange: “I can see that the research may seem odd to some people, but let us look at the broader picture. It wasn’t so long ago that we found out that Eddie Izzard is 40% banana, and I know what I’d rather be.”

Linda Cakebread, owner of Have Your Cake & Eat IT.com said: “I always knew there was something odd about him. I bet you any money that Cameron will bring in a sponge tax, similar to that pasty tax, just to spite him. Then he’ll be outside my shop in Baker Street, Victoria sponge in-hand, like butter wouldn’t melt. Back stabbing bastards, the lot of them.”

Common Victoria Sponge