Police are appealing for witnesses after a man wearing a David Cameron mask robbed a pasty shop in Truro, Cornwall, getting away with a medium steak worth £2.85. The incident happened at around 17:00 this afternoon.
Trew Carpenter, 19, who’s worked at The Oggy Lowen Pasty Shop for about three months said: “I was on my own at the time. My manager, Eliza, was in the back of the shop sampling a bacon bite.
“Anyway, this man, wearing a David Cameron mask, strolled into the shop and walked straight into the counter. He couldn’t see where he was going, you know, because of the mask.
“He then pulled out what he said was a gun, hidden inside a SpongeBob pencil case, although I’m sure it was curved, you know, like a banana. I was terrified.
Harriet Harman, this week, stepped back from front bench politics after 28 years of service. Just three days before her party choses a successor to Ed Miliband.
But she didn’t go down without a fight. Harman decided to make her last appearance at the dispatch box a memorable one, interrogating David Cameron at Wednesday’s PMQs over the number of Syrian refugees that will be allowed into the UK this year.
Discussing Wednesday’s PMQs on BBC Radio Live this morning, Harman said:
“He spoke about meetings, the excellent work done by Save the Children, and even paid tribute to my 28 years in service as a front bencher. But this crisis is happening as we speak.
We should have, by now, all heard about the Camerons surfing in raw sewage whilst on holiday in Cornwall. But did they nearly meet the Faecal Beast?
What is the Faecal Beast you might ask?
There have been sightings of a mysterious creature, some call the Faecal Beast, living off the Cornish coast for about as long as South West Water has been flushing raw sewage into the sea. Coincidence?
The incident happened whilst the Prime Minister, and wife Samantha, were on holiday in Polzeath, Cornwall.
Kath Legest, manager of The Splaan Pasty Shop, said: “Mr Cameron and wife came into the shop and ordered a box full of pasties and cakes, presumably to take home with them, but I can’t be sure of that.
“Anyway, after a friendly chat about employment in Cornwall, with myself and Tamara, who’s been working in the shop for over a year now, Mr Cameron took the box from the counter, turned to Tamara, and said, ‘well thank you very much, me ansum…’ That’s when she said what she said. I was forced to suspend Tamara there and then, although I suppose, I can see why she said it.”
The prime minister has been diagnosed with a rare condition known as gansta balls. A condition which, up until now, has only affected people working in the black music industry.
David Cameron said: “I urge the British people not to see this as a bad thing. It isn’t. If anything, this makes me even more the man for the job. You need balls to run a country. And I’ve got them. The doctors have been quite clear about that.
“This condition might also explain why Nick Clegg’s been too frightened to slap me. Because we all know he wants to. So what I say to him is this: bring it on.”
Ed Miliband has today revealed that his six-point plan for Britain has six points within each point, but says that this would not make it a thirty-six-point plan.
The Labour leader said: “Some people have said to me that a six-point plan with six points within each point is actually a thirty-six-point plan, but what I have to say is this. A six-point plan is still a six-point plan regardless of how many points are within each point.
“Let me explain. Before trying to understand the complexities of a point-plan system, we must first address it. And there’s no point doing that, until we’ve looked at it. It’s as simple as that.”
David Cameron made his feelings clear: “One minute Ed Miliband’s talking about a five-point plan, the next minute he’s talking about a seven-point plan. And now I hear he’s talking about points within each point of a point plan.
“What he’s got to realise is – and I’ve told him this time and time again – it doesn’t matter how many points there are to any of his plans, because they’re all focused on the same things: the NHS, the cost of living crisis, and the housing crisis.
“He could come up with a hundred-point plan and still forget to mention issues such as immigration and the deficit. The man’s an idiot.”
In a live radio phone-in Nigel Farage admitted to being an arsehole, but said that David Cameron is a bigger arsehole.
The UKIP leader made the announcement on BBC Radio Tittleworth’s lunchtime phone-in show this afternoon when a feisty Conservative supporter, called Mabel, phoned the show and said to Mr Farage: “If people vote UKIP they will get Labour, and Britain will remain in the EU.”
Nigel Farage replied: “I’ve heard this story a million times, and quite frankly I’m getting a little fed up hearing it. If David Cameron was serious about having a referendum he’d have had one yesterday.”
But this only inflamed Mabel all the more. She replied: “We can’t just pull out willy-nilly and you know it. You Mr Farage, are an arsehole.”
Unaware that Mabel had already hung-up, Nigel Farage added: “I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole for making promises he cannot keep. I know it, you know it – we all know it.”