KFC queuing times: number one concern for Camborne & Redruth residents

A new survey conducted by West Country Market Research, aka WC Market Research, has found that, whilst there should be a number of concerns for residents in the Camborne & Redruth area in Cornwall, such as the drilling for geothermal energy at United Downs, or uncontrolled housing development, the only concern, given by the 280 respondents aged between 16-85, was queuing times at the new KFC at the top of Tuckingmill, near Camborne, with a number of these respondents also adding “how hot my chips are” to the list.

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WC Market Research’s Head Analyst, Dick Small, said, “this was an open-ended survey, where respondents gave their own answers. If this was a multiple choice survey the results may have been very different. Saying that, this is Camborne & Redruth we’re  talking about. KFC queuing times at the new branch in Camborne is a bit of a hot potato for residents living in the area.”

Residents were also asked if they’d like to comment.

19-year-old MILF, Chizzy Spangleton, originally from Salford, said: “Queuing times at the new KFC are a major concern for people in the area. Me ‘n’ me kids are like chicken junkies mate, so the quicker I can get me food the better. But problems aside, having a KFC in the area is the best thing to happen to Cornwall this year. I know there’s a KFC in Penzance, but when I need me chicken, I need me chicken, you get me?”

Another resident, 49-year-old Camborne maid, Angie Merrifield, currently single, but looking for a chicken lover, said: “Chicken’s part of my five-a-day, so I’ve already booked a table for Christmas Day, so I’m not complaining. The queuing times are pretty shit though.”

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Who serves up the WORST Cornish Pasty, 2017 – Revealed!

We’ve all seen the various polls for the best pasties and pasty shops in Cornwall. But who serves up the worst pasty? Brenda Frisbee investigations. 

 

3. The Marzipan Pasty

 
Discovered in one of Newquay’s many gift shops, aptly named, The Gift Shop, the Marzipan Pasty turned out to be just that – a solid block of fuc*king marzipan. Right on!

 
2. Merlins Magic Pasty

 
Bought from a catering van called Tezs, in Tintagel, there was nothing magical about Merlins Magic Pasty… or Tez’s enthusiasm for apostrophes. The pasty was hard as a rock on the outside, and soft on the inside. And it oddly enough, it even looked like an armadillo. Pass the sick bag!

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First, Merlin’s face carved into rock. Now English Heritage wants to erect a stone phallus – with Noel Edmonds face on it!

Carved directly into the rock itself, the face of Merlin is an imposing site on the Tintagel landscape. And despite criticism, it’s the first of many new sculptures and installations commissioned by English Heritage.

The next sculpture, commissioned to local artist, Mariah England, 42, will be a 12 foot standing stone, shaped like a giant cock, with the face of King Arthur – if the legendary king looked like Noel Edmonds – carved into the bellend.

Speaking to reporters at the Merlin’s face opening event, the sculptress said:

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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Cornish community outraged after signpost vandalized

Residents of Pool in Cornwall are outraged after the Church Road ‘Welcome to Pool’ signpost was vandalized, with ‘AND’ graffitied after the word, ‘Pool’. There is some speculation as to how this is meant to read.

UKIP councillor and self-proclaimed exaggerator, Damien Bigot, said: “Let me make this clear, there’s no excuse for criminal damage, but the message is loud and clear. With 10% of the population of Pool being Polish – the other half being English, of course, the perpetrators or perpetrator may well have a point.”

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Cornish pasty shop robbery: robber gets away with medium steak

Police are appealing for witnesses after a man wearing a David Cameron mask robbed a pasty shop in Truro, Cornwall, getting away with a medium steak worth £2.85. The incident happened at around 17:00 this afternoon.

Trew Carpenter, 19, who’s worked at The Oggy Lowen Pasty Shop for about three months said: “I was on my own at the time. My manager, Eliza, was in the back of the shop sampling a bacon bite.

“Anyway, this man, wearing a David Cameron mask, strolled into the shop and walked straight into the counter. He couldn’t see where he was going, you know, because of the mask. 

“He then pulled out what he said was a gun, hidden inside a SpongeBob pencil case, although I’m sure it was curved, you know, like a banana. I was terrified.

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Cornishman dumps fiancée over false pasty making claims

A heartbroken Cornishman from Pool has dumped his fiancée, just three weeks before their marriage, after finding out that she has been lying to him about her pasty making skills.

Ruan Trewedna, 34, has been coming home from work every Saturday evening to be greeted by the smell of freshly baked pasties ever since the couple moved in together last March.

But last Saturday Mr Trewedna came home from work early to find his mother-in-law to be in their kitchen making the pasties, and his fiancée lying on the sofa watching classic JK.

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