Cornwall’s roundabout improvements ‘drawn up’ by monkeys, says council leader

Cornwall Council leader Jon Bollocks has admitted to frustrated motorists across Cornwall that many of the major improvements to the county’s roundabouts were ‘drawn up’ by monkeys from The Monkey Sanctuary in Looe.

He said: “It’s no secret that many of the major improvements to Cornwall’s roundabouts – such as Avers, Chiverton, Loggans Moor and Trafalgar – were all drawn up by monkeys, we just didn’t tell anyone about it.

“The reason we’ve been using monkeys, of course, is cost. I don’t have the figures on me, but we pay the monkeys in peanuts, which saves Cornwall Council millions of pounds each year.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, on his visit to Cornwall yesterday, spoke to reporters outside Warren’s pasty shop in Redruth:

“What I want to know is how these monkeys managed to get through Border Control, because they’re obviously not from the EU. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are Romanians in fancy dress.”

Barry Morrish, 39, from Redruth said: “Avers is the worst. If you go up the hill from Barncoose Roundabout and turn left to go on the A30, some idiot will suddenly appear alongside you on the inside lane, then try to cut in, forcing you into a game of dodgems.

“And if you’re coming off the A30 onto Avers, the arrows tell you to go from one lane to another, and before you know it, some idiot who looks like Nigel Farage cuts you up and forces you down the road towards Treleigh.”

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Fifty Shades E suppository wreaks havoc on UK asses

Police across the country are urging people to ‘think twice’ before experimenting with a new ecstasy tablet, embossed with a Fifty Shades of Grey-style tie logo.

The ecstasy tablet, which is in the form of a suppository and designed to be plugged (inserted anally), has become popular with not just ravers, but cinemagoers and diners alike.

Superintendent Dennis Whiting from Greater Manchester police said: “Police forces probing the matter initially took to checking partygoers’ rectums, but reports suggest that the E suppository, as it is commonly called, is being experimented with in many different environments, such as restaurants and cinemas.

“I must stress that, whilst it is not illegal to stick things up your rectum, it is illegal to take ecstasy, in any shape or form.”

Restaurant owner, Ali Masood said: “I had one lady customer orgasm at the dinner table. At first I thought perhaps it was the lobster thermidor she was eating – the chef would have been so pleased.

“But the gentlemen she was with unashamedly told me that she had this rave suppository up her butt. Some couples have funny ideas about celebrating Valentine’s Day.”

Raver, Jim-E Gurney said: “if your avin a bad one, you can simply fart it out, which aint difficult because E loosens up your asshole. Let’s get messy.”

Dr Wallace Chipper from Greenville Surgery in Manchester said: “people sticking things up their butts when they’re off their heads could lead to some very unpleasant injuries. I strongly urge people not to do it.”

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Not Going Out’s Katy Wix to star in and co-write EastEnders special

EastEnders executive producer Colin Pugwell-Reason has confirmed that Not Going Out starlet, Katy Wix is to star in and co-write a one-off EastEnders special, to be shown on BBC iPlayer in April.

Reporters caught up with Katy outside the BBC Television Centre in London.

Katy said: “Well, basically the story’s about this Welsh girl called Katy, who catches the tube, but gets off at the wrong station.

“She finds herself in this insanely angry place called Walford, which strangely enough, doesn’t show on Google Maps. Funny that.

“She’s cold, hungry, and hasn’t got enough money to get back on the tube, so Katy is forced to take refuge in Cindy’s Café.

“Can she escape Walford before she’s turned into brown bread? Duff duff, duff, duff duff…

“…actually there aren’t any duff duffs because it’s a one-off.

“I’ve been given the job of writing the funny bits, but writer, Jimmy Fishwick-Smith has final say over the direction of the script.

“He has promised me that I won’t be involved in any punch-ups or anything…

“…although, he does keep telling me that Phil Mitchell will be easier to handle if I pretend he’s an alien baboon.

“Which probably won’t be that difficult, when you think about it.”

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Majority of British public can live without their brains – but not their phones, survey suggests

In a recent Youpeep survey the mobile phone was voted the number one item that the British public couldn’t live without, gaining 85% of the vote, with ‘a brain’ coming in second place with just 5% of the vote.

Other answers included a microwave, a car, a duck, crack, a bed, toast, my rabbit, everlasting McDonald’s meals, a joint, and Youtube.

Professor Brainchild from Durham University said:

“Knowing that the British public would choose their mobile phones over their brains is deeply disconcerting.

“Perhaps one day we will be able to keep our brains in our phones, I really don’t know. My answer would have been my budgerigar, Floopy Wingnut.”

Chaz Packman who gave ‘mobile phone’ as her answer said:

“I use my mobile all the time like, and only really use my brain… well, hardly ever. So, yeh, that’s my answer. I’m sure most people my age would agree with me. Brains are for losers.”

I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole, says Farage

In a live radio phone-in Nigel Farage admitted to being an arsehole, but said that David Cameron is a bigger arsehole.

The UKIP leader made the announcement on BBC Radio Tittleworth’s lunchtime phone-in show this afternoon when a feisty Conservative supporter, called Mabel, phoned the show and said to Mr Farage: “If people vote UKIP they will get Labour, and Britain will remain in the EU.”

Nigel Farage replied: “I’ve heard this story a million times, and quite frankly I’m getting a little fed up hearing it. If David Cameron was serious about having a referendum he’d have had one yesterday.”

But this only inflamed Mabel all the more. She replied: “We can’t just pull out willy-nilly and you know it. You Mr Farage, are an arsehole.”

Unaware that Mabel had already hung-up, Nigel Farage added: “I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole for making promises he cannot keep. I know it, you know it – we all know it.”

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Planet of the Baboons: funniest Twootface responses

With a release date of October 2015, the filming for Sir Ridley Scott’s Planet of the Baboons must be close to the post-production stage. But since the film’s star, Katy Wix, scratched her finger on a baboon’s tooth the details about the film have been kept top secret – to the point where hardly anyone’s talking about it.

Fermented News though did manage to find 6 hilarious responses to the film on the social media site, Twootface:

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Interesting observation from Susan. The poster and title both resemble a popular sci-fi film starring Charlton Heston, but as Sir Ridley Scott said: “this film has nothing to do with Planet of the Apes, and I don’t want to hear the word ‘ape’ from anyone.” Oops!

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I don’t think anyone’s going to argue with you there, Chelsea!

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What’s your favourite response?

David Cameron creams Ed Miliband during PM’s Questions

David Cameron has attacked Ed Miliband with a ‘gargantuan’ cream bun during this afternoon’s Prime Minister’s Questions. The attack came about after the Prime Minister saw the Labour leader scoffing his face with the confectionery.

David Cameron said: “There’s only so much you can take, there really is. I’m absolutely fed up with Ed Miliband’s schoolboy attitude in the House of Commons. I was in the middle of answering a question about cast-iron guarantees when I noticed him slouched in his chair with his knees crossed, like he always does, eating a gargantuan cream bun.

“So I went over to him and pushed the bun into his ugly mug. Not that it helped the situation, because instead of sitting up and paying attention, he spent the remaining 10 minutes, licking his face with his unusually long lizard-like tongue.”

Conservative MP, Natasha Hare said: “It was hideous. Ed Miliband looked like the Toad from those X-Men films. You can’t blame the Prime Minister for doing what he did.”

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