Conservative voter decapitated by Labour sign

A Conservative voter, on her way to her local polling station in Basington, was decapitated by an airborne Labour sign.

Detective Inspector Matthew Hindsight from Basington Police Station made this statement: “We received a 999 call at approximately 7:20 this morning from a man who reported a possible beheading.

“Due to the suspicious nature of the call we sent out the firearms unit, who on arrival, found the attacker to be a 30ft Labour Party sign that had obviously been the victim of localised gale force winds. Paramedics arrived shortly after and confirmed the woman to be dead.

“The woman has since been identified as 80 year old Margaret Surrey who, according to her husband, was on her way to the polling station. It is believed that she would have voted Conservative.”

Michael Gale, 40, found the body. He said: “I found the body… and head, whilst on my way back from the polling station. I immediately put two-and-two together of course and assumed it was a beheading, but it’s like that fit police woman said, why would anyone behead an 80 year old pensioner? To think, I voted Labour! I only voted for the party because I heard Stephen Hawking was a fan.”

Terence Cusp, 58, who lives in a flat nearby said: “I tell you, those Labour supporters will do anything to get that extra vote. Let’s just hope that we don’t have to go through all of this again in October.”

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Miliband reveals 6 point plan to Northernise Cornwall’s food banks

Ed Miliband has set out, what he has described as, a 6 point plan (a food menu) to introduce to Cornwall’s food banks.

He said: What I have to say is this. I have set out a 6 point plan to add additional food to the food banks of Cornwall. For example: I hear that many people in the county are having to eat their meals without gravy. This is not acceptable in the 21st Century.

“Under a Labour government, food parcels in Cornwall will include gravy, a variety of pies and puddings, and if there’s enough gravy left, Eccles cakes for pudding.”

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But is this an attempt to Northernise Cornwall’s poorest areas?

Kazia Mitchell, 29, thinks so: “Camborne has been inundated with Labour propaganda from that scary man with the second-home. And with it, there’s an unmistakable lack of optimism in the air, and an irrational need to see the World in a cynical way.

“It’s as if I’ve woken up in Northern England. And now Ed Miliband’s trying to feed tripe to the people using food banks – literally!”

Dick Cole, leader of Mebyon Kernow has described the Labour leader’s 6 point plan as both, ‘patronising’ and ‘insulting’.

He said: “To bribe some of the poorest people in our communities in this way is both patronising, and insulting. This is why we need locally elected politicians to represent Cornwall, to give Cornwall a real voice.

“The pasty is the food of our nation, so if any regional food is going to be introduced into our food banks, it should be that.

“Mebyon Kernow is the only party committed to fighting the Tories pasty tax and Labour’s undermining of our national food with promises of black pudding and Shropshire Fidget pie.

“Unlike Ed Miliband, I’m not going to make false promises, but a vote for Mebyon Kernow is a vote for the traditional Cornish pasty.”

Treliske Hospital NOT on black alert

The Royal Cornwall Hospital (or Treliske to everyone who knows it) is NOT on black alert.

That’s according to Julia Bird, a spokeswoman for the hospital. She said: “The hospital is currently NOT on black alert, but is still under a lot of pressure. People should think twice before becoming ill and using our services for the foreseeable future.”

Truro resident, Sarah Napkin, 39, is worried about the strain that the number of housing developments being built is having on the hospital.

She said: “Treliske is back to normal now, but for how long? Every time I go out I see another housing development has gone up.

“I took my daughter to see the flowers in our local park last Sunday, but instead of daffodils and tulips we saw about 200 houses that have suddenly gone up like some picture from one of those kid’s pop-up books.”

With another housing development expecting to go up tomorrow, is Sarah right to be concerned?

Property developer, Rick Piles thinks not: “The state of Cornwall’s hospitals and infrastructure has got nothing to do with us property developers. And the suggestion that Cornwall shouldn’t have more homes built than anywhere else in England is nothing but propaganda from the NIMBY’s who already have homes in the county.”

With the general election only days away, the state of Cornwall’s hospitals will no doubt influence the way people will vote in the region.

NHS campaigner, Julia Lippy, 37, from Truro said: “People should think about the black alerts at Treliske and Cornwall’s other hospitals and the state of the NHS in general before they cast their votes on May the 7th.”

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Ed Miliband wants to concrete over my garden, says mother of 6

On a recent visit to Finchley-on-Sea, Ed Miliband allegedly offered to concrete over a young mother’s garden.

Mother of 6, Abigail Buckett, 24, said: Mr Miliband was bangin’ on about getting Britain building again and said something about people sitting on land. I kinda lost interest for a bit, until I heard him offer to concrete over my garden.

“It sounded like a euphemism – and probably was. I hear he’s become something of a sex symbol with teenage girls since Zain left from One D. Anyway, he’s not going anywhere near my garden: it’s a mess as it is. And if he does get any ideas, I’m calling the police.

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I’m not on drugs, says Natalie Bennett

Listeners of BBC Radio Finchwick, yesterday afternoon, were shocked when the show’s guest, Natalie Bennett, announced that she is not on drugs.

The news came after a twenty minute tripe fest from the Green Party leader, confirming that issues such as immigration, housing, infrastructure and defence were unimportant, leading to the presenter of the show, Boris Yardstick, asking Bennett if she’s on drugs.

“No, I’m not on drugs,” said Bennett.

Reporters spoke to Mr Yardstick after the show. He said: “It was a serious question. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought she was on drugs.”

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Teenage girl cuts off her own head after someone leaves some boy band

Photos have appeared on social media sites that appear to show fans of some boy band self-harming after a member of the band quit last week.

One girl, Sophie Dryfield, 15, even posted pictures of herself cutting off her own head in a bid for her idol not to leave the band.

Psychologist, Dr Amber Dong said: “The teenage brain cannot cope with events like this. For a teenage girl the news that someone has left a boy band can be just as distressing as an adult hearing that their children have been murdered by a pack of wild dogs.”

A spokesman for the band said: “I strongly urge fans to be strong and not do what Sophie did, or self-harm in anyway at all.”

Cornish village likely to be ‘awash’ with ‘hot-blooded’ Demelza Carne fans

Following the success of BBC One’s Poldark, last Sunday night, the village of Illogan in Cornwall is likely to be awash with hot-blooded Demelza Carne fans. That’s according to Jimmy Brown-Balls, head of Let’s Visit Cornwall.

He said: “I can’t imagine visitors wanting to see Illogan itself because it hasn’t got any views of the sea, but social networking sites have been buzzing with comments suggesting that the place is likely to be awash with hot-blooded ginger lovers looking for Demelza Carne look-alikes. Not all the comments have been about Aidan Turner with his top off.”

Bronnen Manire, 34, who works at the Cornish Oven pasty shop said: “I’ve been told to expect plenty of assholes… holidaymakers… coming in, asking for things like fish pasties and cheesy slices.

“The locals won’t like it, but that Timmy Brown-Bags says it’ll boost the shops profits by about £10,000 a day. I don’t know. If it’s gonna be that busy we’ll need to get one of those drive thru’s like McDonald’s have got.”

Dorothy Tregenza, 102, said: “I’ve been living in Illogan all my life and the last time I saw a redhead was… before the Second World War, I think. She buggered off down West somewhere with some fancy man. Demelza, that was her name.”

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