Conservative voter decapitated by Labour sign

A Conservative voter, on her way to her local polling station in Basington, was decapitated by an airborne Labour sign.

Detective Inspector Matthew Hindsight from Basington Police Station made this statement: “We received a 999 call at approximately 7:20 this morning from a man who reported a possible beheading.

“Due to the suspicious nature of the call we sent out the firearms unit, who on arrival, found the attacker to be a 30ft Labour Party sign that had obviously been the victim of localised gale force winds. Paramedics arrived shortly after and confirmed the woman to be dead.

“The woman has since been identified as 80 year old Margaret Surrey who, according to her husband, was on her way to the polling station. It is believed that she would have voted Conservative.”

Michael Gale, 40, found the body. He said: “I found the body… and head, whilst on my way back from the polling station. I immediately put two-and-two together of course and assumed it was a beheading, but it’s like that fit police woman said, why would anyone behead an 80 year old pensioner? To think, I voted Labour! I only voted for the party because I heard Stephen Hawking was a fan.”

Terence Cusp, 58, who lives in a flat nearby said: “I tell you, those Labour supporters will do anything to get that extra vote. Let’s just hope that we don’t have to go through all of this again in October.”

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Treliske Hospital NOT on black alert

The Royal Cornwall Hospital (or Treliske to everyone who knows it) is NOT on black alert.

That’s according to Julia Bird, a spokeswoman for the hospital. She said: “The hospital is currently NOT on black alert, but is still under a lot of pressure. People should think twice before becoming ill and using our services for the foreseeable future.”

Truro resident, Sarah Napkin, 39, is worried about the strain that the number of housing developments being built is having on the hospital.

She said: “Treliske is back to normal now, but for how long? Every time I go out I see another housing development has gone up.

“I took my daughter to see the flowers in our local park last Sunday, but instead of daffodils and tulips we saw about 200 houses that have suddenly gone up like some picture from one of those kid’s pop-up books.”

With another housing development expecting to go up tomorrow, is Sarah right to be concerned?

Property developer, Rick Piles thinks not: “The state of Cornwall’s hospitals and infrastructure has got nothing to do with us property developers. And the suggestion that Cornwall shouldn’t have more homes built than anywhere else in England is nothing but propaganda from the NIMBY’s who already have homes in the county.”

With the general election only days away, the state of Cornwall’s hospitals will no doubt influence the way people will vote in the region.

NHS campaigner, Julia Lippy, 37, from Truro said: “People should think about the black alerts at Treliske and Cornwall’s other hospitals and the state of the NHS in general before they cast their votes on May the 7th.”

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Ed Miliband wants to concrete over my garden, says mother of 6

On a recent visit to Finchley-on-Sea, Ed Miliband allegedly offered to concrete over a young mother’s garden.

Mother of 6, Abigail Buckett, 24, said: Mr Miliband was bangin’ on about getting Britain building again and said something about people sitting on land. I kinda lost interest for a bit, until I heard him offer to concrete over my garden.

“It sounded like a euphemism – and probably was. I hear he’s become something of a sex symbol with teenage girls since Zain left from One D. Anyway, he’s not going anywhere near my garden: it’s a mess as it is. And if he does get any ideas, I’m calling the police.

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Don’t be put off by my oily complexion, says Miliband

In a live radio interview Ed Miliband urged voters not to be “put off” by his oily complexion.

He said: “What I have to say is this. None of us are perfect. This is what I tell myself every morning when I look at myself in the mirrors of my two bathrooms.

“What I also have to say is this. I urge voters not to be put off by my oily complexion. It’s better to have a Prime Minister with an oily complexion, who can turn back the tide of austerity, than it is to have a Prime Minister like David Cameron with his endless cuts.

“A vote for Labour is a vote for equality, for people of every skin colour and complexion.”

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I’m not on drugs, says Natalie Bennett

Listeners of BBC Radio Finchwick, yesterday afternoon, were shocked when the show’s guest, Natalie Bennett, announced that she is not on drugs.

The news came after a twenty minute tripe fest from the Green Party leader, confirming that issues such as immigration, housing, infrastructure and defence were unimportant, leading to the presenter of the show, Boris Yardstick, asking Bennett if she’s on drugs.

“No, I’m not on drugs,” said Bennett.

Reporters spoke to Mr Yardstick after the show. He said: “It was a serious question. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought she was on drugs.”

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Remake of The Wrong Trouser’s could star Ed Miliband as Wallace

Ed Miliband has recently made it clear that the role of Wallace, in a live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers, is his if he wants it.

“Let’s be clear about this,” said the Labour leader. “I had a telephone call from Nick Park, asking if I would like to play the part of Wallace, for which I am deeply honoured. And I make no apology for being deeply honoured.

“Above all, I can see why Nick wants me to play the part, of course I can. Wallace and I are very similar. For one, we are both good at DIY. It wasn’t that long ago that I tried to change a lightbulb.

“But, the way I see it is this. As much as I relish the chance of playing Wallace, I simply cannot do two things at once. It’s like trying to change a lightbulb whilst eating a bacon sandwich.

“Labour is set to win the 2015 general election, and I need to be there as Ed Miliband, not Wallace. Which is exactly what I told Nick.

“What I say is this. Nick has told me that I am the best man for the role, and that the role is mine if I want it. So if I find myself in a position to play Wallace, say, in a year’s time, I will make a five-point plan – or even a seven-point plan – and tackle the Wallace crisis.”

David Cameron had this to say: “My view is simple. There’s only one way Ed Miliband’s going to be in this film, and that’s if you don’t vote Labour. It’s as simple as that.”

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