Segway riders bearing gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect: school play sparks mixed reactions from parents

Year after year we have seen countless primary schools axeing the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of politically-correct “winter celebrations”. And by the looks of it, this year’s not going to be any different.

St Cleef Primary School in South East London is rehearsing their play which features three Segway riders: an African NHS doctor, a Muslim mayor, and a Turkish barber, who follow the Bethnal Green Star to a refugee centre where they bear gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect.

One concerned mum, Cindy White, 23, said: “I wasn’t surprised that the school wasn’t holding a traditional play. Last year’s play had Thor in it, who came to the school bearing sweets. It caused a lot of concern because the guy playing the god of thunder looked like a paedo. Nothing like the actor in the Marvel films. It’s a good job the school banned any photography for that one.

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Conservative MP: Flying Cornish flag should be banned after Britain leaves EU

Flying Cornwall’s national flag, the flag of Saint Piran, should be banned, a Conservative MP has suggested.

Eastham MP Peter Chumbly-Newton made the comment at a South West Erecting Conference in Plymouth Tuesday afternoon, shortly after a lunch break where the MPs feasted on salmon pate, caviar vol-au-vents, and expensive champers.

In his speech Mr Chumbly-Newton said: “People in Cornwall seem to think they can go it alone. That isn’t going to happen. After Britain leaves the European Union, no matter what deal we get, we will need to work together. Cornwall is part of the South West and should start acting like it.

He continued: “Politicians in Cornwall don’t seem to like any devolution deal we offer them. The way I see it is this, if people in Cornwall don’t want to work with the rest of the country, maybe, after Britain leaves the EU, we should ban them from flying that black and white flag of theirs. The national flag of England is the flag of St George, they need to start accepting that fact.”

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Another mosque bacon attack: police hunt for Ed Miliband

Police in Finchwick were called to a mosque yesterday afternoon after a man matching the description of Ed Miliband left a half-eaten bacon butty outside the place of worship, preventing worshippers from entering the building.

DCI Nicky Clover said: “Whether this was a deliberate attack or not has yet to be established. The bin, also outside the mosque, was full so it’s possible that the perpetrator didn’t like the butty and placed the offending item as close to the bin as possible, which happened to be the entrance to the mosque.

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200 MILLION migrant pigeons could invade Europe in 2016

Top EU officials have been warned that pigeons are disappearing from cities across the Middle East at an alarming rate and are heading in unprecedented numbers to countries across Europe, all due to the threat imposed upon them by the jihadist organization, ISIS.

Bertram Cumberbatch, head of The International Bird Watching Society, said: “ISIS have made the pigeon an enemy by preventing pigeon breeding on roofs, as they claim that the sight of the birds’ genitalia is a distraction from their daily worship. This has led to many of the birds ending up in ISIS torture camps, where they are beaten, flogged, burned and even beheaded.

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Cornish pasty shop robbery: robber gets away with medium steak

Police are appealing for witnesses after a man wearing a David Cameron mask robbed a pasty shop in Truro, Cornwall, getting away with a medium steak worth £2.85. The incident happened at around 17:00 this afternoon.

Trew Carpenter, 19, who’s worked at The Oggy Lowen Pasty Shop for about three months said: “I was on my own at the time. My manager, Eliza, was in the back of the shop sampling a bacon bite.

“Anyway, this man, wearing a David Cameron mask, strolled into the shop and walked straight into the counter. He couldn’t see where he was going, you know, because of the mask. 

“He then pulled out what he said was a gun, hidden inside a SpongeBob pencil case, although I’m sure it was curved, you know, like a banana. I was terrified.

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29 million people tune into last night’s Question Time

It has been confirmed that last night’s episode of Question Time received a staggering 29 million viewers. It is unclear how many of these were Romanians and Bulgarians. The reason for the show’s success was the appearance of Russell Brand and Nigel Farage, on the guest panel. And as one might expect, things got a little heated.

At one point, Russell Brand called the UKIP leader a ‘pound shop Enoch Powell’ during a debate on immigration. And surprise surprise, Russell Brand threw in the word, ‘ostentatious’, whilst saying something about being bandaged up.

Mr Farage has since responded by saying: “We all know that Mr Brand was going to mention the word, we just didn’t know when, or in what context. I’m not even sure what he was on about – but quite frankly, nothing the man says, or does, surprises me anyway.”

Another heated moment came when a man with a walking stick verbally attacked Russell Brand, saying: “Stand for parliament. If you’re gonna campaign, then stand, ok?”

A member of the audience, sat near to Mr Walking Stick had this to say: “He was so angry that, when he pointed and opened his mouth to speak, he farted at the same time. Everyone in the audience heard it.”

The show was undoubtedly stolen though, by a blue haired woman who criticised Mr Farage, saying: “That’s what he does, he’s a racist scumbag trying to blame immigrants for the cutbacks…”

Russell Brand had this to say about Blue Hair: “She was so angry. I thought she was going to spew venom at Mr Pound Shop. What a star.”