Cotswolds granted minority status

It has been announced that the Cotswolds, and its people, will be granted minority status under European rules.

Wine merchant Archibold Wayne-Scott, 58, from Stow on the Wold said:

“This is fantastic news. Myself and a few others applied for the Cotswolds to have minority status just after the Cornish were granted it last year.

“Because, let’s be honest, if the Cornish can be awarded with such exclusivity, why should we in the Cotswolds be left out? The Cornish like to boast about their culture and language, but what have they got which we haven’t?

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Cornish town given ‘ghetto status’ rating by tourism website

Camborne in Cornwall has been given a rare ‘ghetto status’ rating by tourism review website, holidaysuk.co.uk.

Reviewer Malcolm Lovell’s less than complimentary review focused on the town’s after hours entertainment, saying:

“Camborne’s night life was jaw dropping, reminiscent of a David Attenborough documentary. I witnessed a group of woman squatting down in the street, drinking and urinating at the same time”.

Lovell also had gripes about the guest house he stayed in:

“My stay at Park-An-Tansy’s Guest House was marred by filth.The wallpaper was hanging off, the bathtub had weeds growing in it, and I found a snake’s skin in my pillowcase.”

Website owner, Andy Vardon, 24, said: “we were obliged to review Camborne after one of our website users described the place as a ‘no-go zone’. The way I see it is, we have to give honest reviews.

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Devon fish & chip shop to sell seagull & chips

A fish & chip shop in Devon has been granted permission by its local council to sell battered seagull & chips.

Sandworthy town councillor Steven Bay, 52, said: “the council was granted permission to cull seagulls earlier this year. It was around that time that Mr Hadddock, owner of Haddock’s Fish & Chips approached the council with the idea of seagull & chips.

“Not everyone on the council was for the idea, but it made a lot of sense, and Mr Haddock is expected to start selling the new delicacy next month. It’ll certainly be a boost for the local economy.”

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PM and wife could have come face to face with the Faecal Beast, says expert

We should have, by now, all heard about the Camerons surfing in raw sewage whilst on holiday in Cornwall. But did they nearly meet the Faecal Beast?

What is the Faecal Beast you might ask?

There have been sightings of a mysterious creature, some call the Faecal Beast, living off the Cornish coast for about as long as South West Water has been flushing raw sewage into the sea. Coincidence?

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Cameron told to fu*k off by pasty shop employee

The incident happened whilst the Prime Minister, and wife Samantha, were on holiday in Polzeath, Cornwall.

Kath Legest, manager of The Splaan Pasty Shop, said: “Mr Cameron and wife came into the shop and ordered a box full of pasties and cakes, presumably to take home with them, but I can’t be sure of that.

“Anyway, after a friendly chat about employment in Cornwall, with myself and Tamara, who’s been working in the shop for over a year now, Mr Cameron took the box from the counter, turned to Tamara, and said, ‘well thank you very much, me ansum…’ That’s when she said what she said. I was forced to suspend Tamara there and then, although I suppose, I can see why she said it.”

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Cornish village likely to be ‘awash’ with ‘hot-blooded’ Demelza Carne fans

Following the success of BBC One’s Poldark, last Sunday night, the village of Illogan in Cornwall is likely to be awash with hot-blooded Demelza Carne fans. That’s according to Jimmy Brown-Balls, head of Let’s Visit Cornwall.

He said: “I can’t imagine visitors wanting to see Illogan itself because it hasn’t got any views of the sea, but social networking sites have been buzzing with comments suggesting that the place is likely to be awash with hot-blooded ginger lovers looking for Demelza Carne look-alikes. Not all the comments have been about Aidan Turner with his top off.”

Bronnen Manire, 34, who works at the Cornish Oven pasty shop said: “I’ve been told to expect plenty of assholes… holidaymakers… coming in, asking for things like fish pasties and cheesy slices.

“The locals won’t like it, but that Timmy Brown-Bags says it’ll boost the shops profits by about £10,000 a day. I don’t know. If it’s gonna be that busy we’ll need to get one of those drive thru’s like McDonald’s have got.”

Dorothy Tregenza, 102, said: “I’ve been living in Illogan all my life and the last time I saw a redhead was… before the Second World War, I think. She buggered off down West somewhere with some fancy man. Demelza, that was her name.”

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99% of properties in St Ives are holiday homes

A recent report suggests that 99% of property in the idyllic fishing resort of St Ives in Cornwall is either holiday lets or second homes. This news comes a month after St Ives Council proposed a ban on outsiders buying second homes in the area.

Molly Stevens, a 27 year old who lives with her mum in the town said: “I’ll never be able to afford my own home here. I’d have to win the lottery to buy a parking space, but I can’t exactly live in my car.”

Businessman, Pete Staffford said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. English resorts like this rely on people like me. I’ve worked hard to set up my business down here, but these locals carry on biting the hand that feeds. It’s because of us Londoners coming down that these 48,000 new homes are being built. It’s supply and demand, ain’t it?”

Second home owner, Baz Masi has a similar story: I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, just like my parents before me. My dad ran a protection racket in Walford, and my ma, she was a sex worker from Russia. I saw her work hard for her money.”

For Mr Nicolls, sitting glumly behind the counter of his Cornish pasty shop, the prospect of making a sale today looks unlikely:

“As you can see, it’s early December, and it’s like a bleddy ghost town me ‘ansum. All I get this time of year are visitors coming in asking for pasties covered in chocolate, or with fish in. Fish pasties! They’re like bleddy seagulls! Guss-on with ya.”

When asked about his own living arrangements, Mr Nicolls said: “Well, I’m fortunate enough to have a parking space on the other side of town.”

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