First, Merlin’s face carved into rock. Now English Heritage wants to erect a stone phallus – with Noel Edmonds face on it!

Carved directly into the rock itself, the face of Merlin is an imposing site on the Tintagel landscape. And despite criticism, it’s the first of many new sculptures and installations commissioned by English Heritage.

The next sculpture, commissioned to local artist, Mariah England, 42, will be a 12 foot standing stone, shaped like a giant cock, with the face of King Arthur – if the legendary king looked like Noel Edmonds – carved into the bellend.

Speaking to reporters at the Merlin’s face opening event, the sculptress said:

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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Another mosque bacon attack: police hunt for Ed Miliband

Police in Finchwick were called to a mosque yesterday afternoon after a man matching the description of Ed Miliband left a half-eaten bacon butty outside the place of worship, preventing worshippers from entering the building.

DCI Nicky Clover said: “Whether this was a deliberate attack or not has yet to be established. The bin, also outside the mosque, was full so it’s possible that the perpetrator didn’t like the butty and placed the offending item as close to the bin as possible, which happened to be the entrance to the mosque.

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