Doctor Who: talking donkey-zebra hybrid hinted to be season 12 companion

Whether you like it or not, Season 11 of Doctor Who celebrates equality & diversity in all its glory. From the Doctor’s rainbow t-shirt, in respect of gay pride, to the man giving birth on last Sunday’s episode, The Tsuranga Conundrum, and even hints that the Doctor herself bats for both sides. And the fun doesn’t stop there…

… in celebration of the birth of Britain’s second zonkey, a donkey crossed with a zebra, the BBC have hinted that a new companion for Season 12 could actually be a zonkey, and that the zonkey will be able to talk just like the other companions.

Speaking on Timey-Wimey FM, Tilly Champers, 16, a spokesperson for the LGBT Whovian Group, said: “we should celebrate all forms of diversity, so the news that a zonkey might be joining the crew of the TARDIS is music to my little gay ears.

“Since Jodie has been on the show, a lot of the older fans have been exposed for their racist and sexist views, being against anyone who isn’t white, male and heterosexual. Well, let’s see what they think of this idea. I pray to God, the zonkey isn’t straight.”

pride donkey

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Segway riders bearing gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect: school play sparks mixed reactions from parents

Year after year we have seen countless primary schools axeing the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of politically-correct “Winter Celebrations”. And by the looks of it, this year’s not going to be any different.

St Cleef Primary School in South East London is rehearsing their play which features three Segway riders: an African NHS doctor, a Muslim mayor, and a Turkish barber, who follow the Bethnal Green Star to a refugee centre where they bear gifts of bling, dubstep, and respect.

One concerned mum, Cindy White, 23, said: “I wasn’t surprised that the school wasn’t holding a traditional play. Last year’s play had Thor in it, who came to the school bearing sweets. It caused a lot of concern because the guy playing the god of thunder looked like a paedo. Nothing like the actor in the Marvel films. It’s a good job the school banned any photography for that one.

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Conservative MP: Flying Cornish flag should be banned after Britain leaves EU

Flying Cornwall’s national flag, the flag of Saint Piran, should be banned, a Conservative MP has suggested.

Eastham MP Peter Chumbly-Newton made the comment at a South West Erecting Conference in Plymouth Tuesday afternoon, shortly after a lunch break where the MPs feasted on salmon pate, caviar vol-au-vents, and expensive champers.

In his speech Mr Chumbly-Newton said: “People in Cornwall seem to think they can go it alone. That isn’t going to happen. After Britain leaves the European Union, no matter what deal we get, we will need to work together. Cornwall is part of the South West and should start acting like it.

He continued: “Politicians in Cornwall don’t seem to like any devolution deal we offer them. The way I see it is this, if people in Cornwall don’t want to work with the rest of the country, maybe, after Britain leaves the EU, we should ban them from flying that black and white flag of theirs. The national flag of England is the flag of St George, they need to start accepting that fact.”

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First, Merlin’s face carved into rock. Now English Heritage wants to erect a stone phallus – with Noel Edmonds face on it!

Carved directly into the rock itself, the face of Merlin is an imposing site on the Tintagel landscape. And despite criticism, it’s the first of many new sculptures and installations commissioned by English Heritage.

The next sculpture, commissioned to local artist, Mariah England, 42, will be a 12 foot standing stone, shaped like a giant cock, with the face of King Arthur – if the legendary king looked like Noel Edmonds – carved into the bellend.

Speaking to reporters at the Merlin’s face opening event, the sculptress said:

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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Another mosque bacon attack: police hunt for Ed Miliband

Police in Finchwick were called to a mosque yesterday afternoon after a man matching the description of Ed Miliband left a half-eaten bacon butty outside the place of worship, preventing worshippers from entering the building.

DCI Nicky Clover said: “Whether this was a deliberate attack or not has yet to be established. The bin, also outside the mosque, was full so it’s possible that the perpetrator didn’t like the butty and placed the offending item as close to the bin as possible, which happened to be the entrance to the mosque.

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200 MILLION migrant pigeons could invade Europe in 2016

Top EU officials have been warned that pigeons are disappearing from cities across the Middle East at an alarming rate and are heading in unprecedented numbers to countries across Europe, all due to the threat imposed upon them by the jihadist organization, ISIS.

Bertram Cumberbatch, head of The International Bird Watching Society, said: “ISIS have made the pigeon an enemy by preventing pigeon breeding on roofs, as they claim that the sight of the birds’ genitalia is a distraction from their daily worship. This has led to many of the birds ending up in ISIS torture camps, where they are beaten, flogged, burned and even beheaded.

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