Conservative MP: Flying Cornish flag should be banned after Britain leaves EU

Flying Cornwall’s national flag, the flag of Saint Piran, should be banned, a Conservative MP has suggested.

Eastham MP Peter Chumbly-Newton made the comment at a South West Erecting Conference in Plymouth Tuesday afternoon, shortly after a lunch break where the MPs feasted on salmon pate, caviar vol-au-vents, and expensive champers.

In his speech Mr Chumbly-Newton said: “People in Cornwall seem to think they can go it alone. That isn’t going to happen. After Britain leaves the European Union, no matter what deal we get, we will need to work together. Cornwall is part of the South West and should start acting like it.

He continued: “Politicians in Cornwall don’t seem to like any devolution deal we offer them. The way I see it is this, if people in Cornwall don’t want to work with the rest of the country, maybe, after Britain leaves the EU, we should ban them from flying that black and white flag of theirs. The national flag of England is the flag of St George, they need to start accepting that fact.”

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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Archaeologists unearth oldest Cornish pasty to date – and it contains CARROT!

The pasty was discovered at an archaeological dig near Lanner in Cornwall, where archaeologists have been busy unearthing what remains of an old building, thought to date back to the 9th century AD.

Lead archaeologist, Dick Bone, said: “The pasty was found above floor level of the building, with carbon analysis dating it to around 850 AD. Which is exactly when we think the building would have been in use. One of the team suggested that the building may well have been a bakery.

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Cameron told to fu*k off by pasty shop employee

The incident happened whilst the Prime Minister, and wife Samantha, were on holiday in Polzeath, Cornwall.

Kath Legest, manager of The Splaan Pasty Shop, said: “Mr Cameron and wife came into the shop and ordered a box full of pasties and cakes, presumably to take home with them, but I can’t be sure of that.

“Anyway, after a friendly chat about employment in Cornwall, with myself and Tamara, who’s been working in the shop for over a year now, Mr Cameron took the box from the counter, turned to Tamara, and said, ‘well thank you very much, me ansum…’ That’s when she said what she said. I was forced to suspend Tamara there and then, although I suppose, I can see why she said it.”

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Miliband reveals 6 point plan to Northernise Cornwall’s food banks

Ed Miliband has set out, what he has described as, a 6 point plan (a food menu) to introduce to Cornwall’s food banks.

He said: What I have to say is this. I have set out a 6 point plan to add additional food to the food banks of Cornwall. For example: I hear that many people in the county are having to eat their meals without gravy. This is not acceptable in the 21st Century.

“Under a Labour government, food parcels in Cornwall will include gravy, a variety of pies and puddings, and if there’s enough gravy left, Eccles cakes for pudding.”

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But is this an attempt to Northernise Cornwall’s poorest areas?

Kazia Mitchell, 29, thinks so: “Camborne has been inundated with Labour propaganda from that scary man with the second-home. And with it, there’s an unmistakable lack of optimism in the air, and an irrational need to see the World in a cynical way.

“It’s as if I’ve woken up in Northern England. And now Ed Miliband’s trying to feed tripe to the people using food banks – literally!”

Dick Cole, leader of Mebyon Kernow has described the Labour leader’s 6 point plan as both, ‘patronising’ and ‘insulting’.

He said: “To bribe some of the poorest people in our communities in this way is both patronising, and insulting. This is why we need locally elected politicians to represent Cornwall, to give Cornwall a real voice.

“The pasty is the food of our nation, so if any regional food is going to be introduced into our food banks, it should be that.

“Mebyon Kernow is the only party committed to fighting the Tories pasty tax and Labour’s undermining of our national food with promises of black pudding and Shropshire Fidget pie.

“Unlike Ed Miliband, I’m not going to make false promises, but a vote for Mebyon Kernow is a vote for the traditional Cornish pasty.”

Treliske Hospital NOT on black alert

The Royal Cornwall Hospital (or Treliske to everyone who knows it) is NOT on black alert.

That’s according to Julia Bird, a spokeswoman for the hospital. She said: “The hospital is currently NOT on black alert, but is still under a lot of pressure. People should think twice before becoming ill and using our services for the foreseeable future.”

Truro resident, Sarah Napkin, 39, is worried about the strain that the number of housing developments being built is having on the hospital.

She said: “Treliske is back to normal now, but for how long? Every time I go out I see another housing development has gone up.

“I took my daughter to see the flowers in our local park last Sunday, but instead of daffodils and tulips we saw about 200 houses that have suddenly gone up like some picture from one of those kid’s pop-up books.”

With another housing development expecting to go up tomorrow, is Sarah right to be concerned?

Property developer, Rick Piles thinks not: “The state of Cornwall’s hospitals and infrastructure has got nothing to do with us property developers. And the suggestion that Cornwall shouldn’t have more homes built than anywhere else in England is nothing but propaganda from the NIMBY’s who already have homes in the county.”

With the general election only days away, the state of Cornwall’s hospitals will no doubt influence the way people will vote in the region.

NHS campaigner, Julia Lippy, 37, from Truro said: “People should think about the black alerts at Treliske and Cornwall’s other hospitals and the state of the NHS in general before they cast their votes on May the 7th.”

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Cornish village likely to be ‘awash’ with ‘hot-blooded’ Demelza Carne fans

Following the success of BBC One’s Poldark, last Sunday night, the village of Illogan in Cornwall is likely to be awash with hot-blooded Demelza Carne fans. That’s according to Jimmy Brown-Balls, head of Let’s Visit Cornwall.

He said: “I can’t imagine visitors wanting to see Illogan itself because it hasn’t got any views of the sea, but social networking sites have been buzzing with comments suggesting that the place is likely to be awash with hot-blooded ginger lovers looking for Demelza Carne look-alikes. Not all the comments have been about Aidan Turner with his top off.”

Bronnen Manire, 34, who works at the Cornish Oven pasty shop said: “I’ve been told to expect plenty of assholes… holidaymakers… coming in, asking for things like fish pasties and cheesy slices.

“The locals won’t like it, but that Timmy Brown-Bags says it’ll boost the shops profits by about £10,000 a day. I don’t know. If it’s gonna be that busy we’ll need to get one of those drive thru’s like McDonald’s have got.”

Dorothy Tregenza, 102, said: “I’ve been living in Illogan all my life and the last time I saw a redhead was… before the Second World War, I think. She buggered off down West somewhere with some fancy man. Demelza, that was her name.”

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