Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán has announced plans to crack down on migrants caught dropping litter by issuing them with on-the-spot fines. He said:
“We don’t want them here. But Croatia is breaking international law by off-loading these people at our border. So, as a deterrent, we will issue any migrant caught dropping litter with an on-the-spot fine of up to 500 HUF. All major credit cards accepted.
“Refusal to pay a fine will result in a jail sentence. We need to make it clear to these people that Hungary is not a rubbish dump. The McDonald’s at Beremend border crossing has been inundated with migrants, but they do not use the bins provided.
“They finish their happy meals then discard their rubbish on the floor, inside and outside of the establishment, like animals. This is unacceptable. The manager at the branch has had to take on extra staff just to clean up the mess.”
We should have, by now, all heard about the Camerons surfing in raw sewage whilst on holiday in Cornwall. But did they nearly meet the Faecal Beast?
What is the Faecal Beast you might ask?
There have been sightings of a mysterious creature, some call the Faecal Beast, living off the Cornish coast for about as long as South West Water has been flushing raw sewage into the sea. Coincidence?
The plans were discovered yesterday afternoon by retired teas maid Hilda Tilsbury, 78, from Dudley, in an e-mail from the Labour Party. Mrs Tilsbury opened the e-mail expecting it to be about her unanswered question to the party, regarding membership discounts for retired animal carers. Not Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination.
The incident happened whilst the Prime Minister, and wife Samantha, were on holiday in Polzeath, Cornwall.
Kath Legest, manager of The Splaan Pasty Shop, said: “Mr Cameron and wife came into the shop and ordered a box full of pasties and cakes, presumably to take home with them, but I can’t be sure of that.
“Anyway, after a friendly chat about employment in Cornwall, with myself and Tamara, who’s been working in the shop for over a year now, Mr Cameron took the box from the counter, turned to Tamara, and said, ‘well thank you very much, me ansum…’ That’s when she said what she said. I was forced to suspend Tamara there and then, although I suppose, I can see why she said it.”
That’s according to Donald Duke, Lib Dem MP for Portsmith South. And it’s the media’s fault!
He said: “Camelphobia is reaching an all-time high in parts of the UK. And it’s all down to the British media pouring fuel on the stove. In the past three months I’ve heard reports of camels eating babies, taking taxi drivers’ jobs – there was even a report of a homosexual camel buggering a horse in Devon. And guess what, none of these stories were proven to be true.
A Conservative voter, on her way to her local polling station in Basington, was decapitated by an airborne Labour sign.
Detective Inspector Matthew Hindsight from Basington Police Station made this statement: “We received a 999 call at approximately 7:20 this morning from a man who reported a possible beheading.
“Due to the suspicious nature of the call we sent out the firearms unit, who on arrival, found the attacker to be a 30ft Labour Party sign that had obviously been the victim of localised gale force winds. Paramedics arrived shortly after and confirmed the woman to be dead.
“The woman has since been identified as 80 year old Margaret Surrey who, according to her husband, was on her way to the polling station. It is believed that she would have voted Conservative.”
Michael Gale, 40, found the body. He said: “I found the body… and head, whilst on my way back from the polling station. I immediately put two-and-two together of course and assumed it was a beheading, but it’s like that fit police woman said, why would anyone behead an 80 year old pensioner? To think, I voted Labour! I only voted for the party because I heard Stephen Hawking was a fan.”
Terence Cusp, 58, who lives in a flat nearby said: “I tell you, those Labour supporters will do anything to get that extra vote. Let’s just hope that we don’t have to go through all of this again in October.”