German police are hunting for a number of men of ‘foreign origin’ after a spate of sexual assaults on inanimate objects in Düsseldorf. This follows a number of complaints of sexual assaults against women in Cologne on New Year’s Eve.
One man filed a complaint after returning home from work to find two men of ‘foreign origin’ in his living room. One sexually assaulting his sofa, after making a hole in it with a kitchen knife; the other sexually assaulting his paper shredder.
The homeowner, named only as Herman W, said: “The men didn’t seem bothered at all when I walked in on them. They were like animals. I stepped back out of the room and telephoned the police, but by the time I finished the call the men had fled back out the window they’d used to get in. They were of foreign origin and both had incredibly small penises.”
Shopkeeper Hans Reinhart, 54, has a similar story. He said: “I get them coming in all the time, with their shifty looks and awkward walks. Just yesterday I confronted one who’d penetrated one of my watermelon’s but he pulled out a knife and I was forced to watch him ejaculate. It didn’t take long either. This is all Merkel’s fault. Apparently these migrant’s will be good for the economy. But who’s going to pay for my raped food?