Corbyn refuses to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at 6-year-old’s birthday party

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn left dozens of children in tears on Sunday afternoon after refusing to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to six-year-old boy, Peter Sampson. The incident happened at Peter’s grandparents’ house in Shropshire.

Peter’s granddad, Warren Carpenter, 68, said: “I’ve known Corbyn for years, but I only really invited him because my daughter wanted to meet him. If I realised he was going to be such an arsehole I wouldn’t have bothered.”

Warren’s daughter, Isabelle Sampson, 43, said: “Everything was fine, until we all sat around the table together. I noticed that Jeremy had started arguing with my husband about wearing a paper hat. So I ran in to get the cake. You know, as a distraction.

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Putin: if it looks like a hospital, it’s a hospital

In response to claims made by U.S. intelligence that four Russian missiles, launched from the Caspian Sea and aimed at targets in Syria, actually landed in Iran, Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on Russian TV and said:

“The U.S. is claiming that four Russian missiles fell short of their targets and landed on Iranian soil, with one preposterous claim that an already dilapidated wooden fence has been damaged in the attack.

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Ridley Scott’s Planet of the Baboons in cinemas this October

It’s been a busy month for director Ridley Scott, with two films released in the same month, and both set on the Red Planet.

Ridley’s second film to be released this month, Planet of the Baboons, has already been described by the film’s ass-kicking starlet Katy Wix as “the sort of film that’ll make audiences laugh with terror…”

… if that’s even possible!

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Ed Miliband goes missing

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has gone missing after a routine trip to Marks & Spencers with wife Justine. The Incident happened on Saturday afternoon at around 2pm at their local store in North London.

Mrs Miliband told reporters: “It was just another day in M&S really. Before entering the store some kids were shouting things like, ‘Oi Wallace, where’s Gromit?’ but it was nothing really.

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‘I want leave England’ says Syrian man after watching last night’s This Is England ’90 story

A Syrian man who was granted asylum in the UK earlier this year turned up at a police station in London last night and demanded to be sent “somewhere else” after watching the final episode of This Is England ’90.

Hassan Hassan, 23, told Fermented News: “I watched the programme and did not like it. I went to the police station after watching it and said to them, if this is England I want leave England and go somewhere else.”

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