Donald Trump’s DNA: same as an all-American burger

That’s according to leading geneticist Linda Ewing from Dallas University in Austin, Texas.

She said: Mr Trump contacted me about a month ago and asked for the best DNA test money could buy. Well I carried out the test and, you got it, his DNA is the same as an all-American burger.

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Hungary crackdown on migrants caught dropping litter

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán has announced plans to crack down on migrants caught dropping litter by issuing them with on-the-spot fines. He said:

“We don’t want them here. But Croatia is breaking international law by off-loading these people at our border. So, as a deterrent, we will issue any migrant caught dropping litter with an on-the-spot fine of up to 500 HUF. All major credit cards accepted.

“Refusal to pay a fine will result in a jail sentence. We need to make it clear to these people that Hungary is not a rubbish dump. The McDonald’s at Beremend border crossing has been inundated with migrants, but they do not use the bins provided.

“They finish their happy meals then discard their rubbish on the floor, inside and outside of the establishment, like animals. This is unacceptable. The manager at the branch has had to take on extra staff just to clean up the mess.”

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Daleks confirmed for all future series of Doctor Who

That’s according to Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat.

He said: “I can confirm that the Daleks will appear in all future series of the show. Why wouldn’t they?

“Daleks mean high viewing figures, and, I know I shouldn’t say it, but I’ve still got to prove to people that I’m a better producer than Russell T Davis.”

Peter Capaldi said: “The way I see it is, every generation of kids watching the show need to see the Daleks.

“And what with kids growing up faster than ever, the Doctor’s deadliest foes have got to be on our screens as much as possible. Otherwise the kids will miss them.”

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Cotswolds granted minority status

It has been announced that the Cotswolds, and its people, will be granted minority status under European rules.

Wine merchant Archibold Wayne-Scott, 58, from Stow on the Wold said:

“This is fantastic news. Myself and a few others applied for the Cotswolds to have minority status just after the Cornish were granted it last year.

“Because, let’s be honest, if the Cornish can be awarded with such exclusivity, why should we in the Cotswolds be left out? The Cornish like to boast about their culture and language, but what have they got which we haven’t?

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Cornish town given ‘ghetto status’ rating by tourism website

Camborne in Cornwall has been given a rare ‘ghetto status’ rating by tourism review website,

Reviewer Malcolm Lovell’s less than complimentary review focused on the town’s after hours entertainment, saying:

“Camborne’s night life was jaw dropping, reminiscent of a David Attenborough documentary. I witnessed a group of woman squatting down in the street, drinking and urinating at the same time”.

Lovell also had gripes about the guest house he stayed in:

“My stay at Park-An-Tansy’s Guest House was marred by filth.The wallpaper was hanging off, the bathtub had weeds growing in it, and I found a snake’s skin in my pillowcase.”

Website owner, Andy Vardon, 24, said: “we were obliged to review Camborne after one of our website users described the place as a ‘no-go zone’. The way I see it is, we have to give honest reviews.

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David Cameron spent most of the time staring at my cleavage, says Harriet Harman

Harriet Harman, this week, stepped back from front bench politics after 28 years of service. Just three days before her party choses a successor to Ed Miliband.

But she didn’t go down without a fight. Harman decided to make her last appearance at the dispatch box a memorable one, interrogating David Cameron at Wednesday’s PMQs over the number of Syrian refugees that will be allowed into the UK this year.

Discussing Wednesday’s PMQs on BBC Radio Live this morning, Harman said:

“He spoke about meetings, the excellent work done by Save the Children, and even paid tribute to my 28 years in service as a front bencher. But this crisis is happening as we speak.

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