PM and wife could have come face to face with the Faecal Beast, says expert

We should have, by now, all heard about the Camerons surfing in raw sewage whilst on holiday in Cornwall. But did they nearly meet the Faecal Beast?

What is the Faecal Beast you might ask?

There have been sightings of a mysterious creature, some call the Faecal Beast, living off the Cornish coast for about as long as South West Water has been flushing raw sewage into the sea. Coincidence?

Faecal expert Carlos Carlos, from Spain, thinks not.

He said: “Untreated sewage contains faecal bacteria which thrive in salty waters. It is possible that faecal bacteria, with enough raw sewage to live in, could mutate, grow, and even absorb fresh sewage whenever it is pumped into the sea.

“So, it does not surprise me when I hear people speak about a faecal beast. That is what people are seeing. And yes, the Camerons may have been swimming with this beast whilst on their holiday in Polzeath (laughs).”

Wadebridge farmer Albert Patata, 58, said: “Every time there’s a sewage spill, one of my sheep goes missing. Well, you can only put two-and-two together can’t you? I believe there’s a living… turd out there, and it’s eating my sheep. And it’s only a matter of time before it starts eating people too. That David Cameron’s lucky it didn’t eat him.”

Boscastle artist Elizabeth Nandowr, 53, whose recent painting, entitled Living the Dream, depicting holidaymakers laughing and joking whilst waist deep in excrement, said: “It’s all these houses going up that’s to blame. South West Water can’t cope. The government are forcing us to build, build, build, and then Cameron complains because he’s swimming in shit.”

Retired fishwife Zelda Trevaunance, 86, from Port Isaac said: “10 years ago we had the Beast of Bodmin Moor – now we’ve got a monster made of fuc*ing shit. Kernow bys vyken.”

poo beast

An artist’s impression of the beast.

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