PM and wife could have come face to face with the Faecal Beast, says expert

We should have, by now, all heard about the Camerons surfing in raw sewage whilst on holiday in Cornwall. But did they nearly meet the Faecal Beast?

What is the Faecal Beast you might ask?

There have been sightings of a mysterious creature, some call the Faecal Beast, living off the Cornish coast for about as long as South West Water has been flushing raw sewage into the sea. Coincidence?

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Exposed: Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination!

The plans were discovered yesterday afternoon by retired teas maid Hilda Tilsbury, 78, from Dudley, in an e-mail from the Labour Party. Mrs Tilsbury opened the e-mail expecting it to be about her unanswered question to the party, regarding membership discounts for retired animal carers. Not Jeremy Corbyn’s plans for universal domination.

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Cameron told to fu*k off by pasty shop employee

The incident happened whilst the Prime Minister, and wife Samantha, were on holiday in Polzeath, Cornwall.

Kath Legest, manager of The Splaan Pasty Shop, said: “Mr Cameron and wife came into the shop and ordered a box full of pasties and cakes, presumably to take home with them, but I can’t be sure of that.

“Anyway, after a friendly chat about employment in Cornwall, with myself and Tamara, who’s been working in the shop for over a year now, Mr Cameron took the box from the counter, turned to Tamara, and said, ‘well thank you very much, me ansum…’ That’s when she said what she said. I was forced to suspend Tamara there and then, although I suppose, I can see why she said it.”

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Camelphobia reaches all-time high in parts of the UK

That’s according to Donald Duke, Lib Dem MP for Portsmith South. And it’s the media’s fault!

He said: “Camelphobia is reaching an all-time high in parts of the UK. And it’s all down to the British media pouring fuel on the stove. In the past three months I’ve heard reports of camels eating babies, taking taxi drivers’ jobs – there was even a report of a homosexual camel buggering a horse in Devon. And guess what, none of these stories were proven to be true.

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Council clamps down on seagull menace

There is controversy in the seaside resort of Little Newborough over plans to clamp down on nuisance seagulls, which have been branded a menace to the public by local councillors.

Town councillor, Don Dolly, who has spearheaded the campaign for the past three years, said: “after several recent attacks we have decided to clamp down on the scourge by issuing them with parking tickets if they’re found on cars parked on yellow lines; giving them on-the-spot fines for fouling; and immediate arrest for attacking someone, or stealing someone’s food, all with the aim of driving them out of the town for good.”

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