Fifty Shades E suppository wreaks havoc on UK asses

Police across the country are urging people to ‘think twice’ before experimenting with a new ecstasy tablet, embossed with a Fifty Shades of Grey-style tie logo.

The ecstasy tablet, which is in the form of a suppository and designed to be plugged (inserted anally), has become popular with not just ravers, but cinemagoers and diners alike.

Superintendent Dennis Whiting from Greater Manchester police said: “Police forces probing the matter initially took to checking partygoers’ rectums, but reports suggest that the E suppository, as it is commonly called, is being experimented with in many different environments, such as restaurants and cinemas.

“I must stress that, whilst it is not illegal to stick things up your rectum, it is illegal to take ecstasy, in any shape or form.”

Restaurant owner, Ali Masood said: “I had one lady customer orgasm at the dinner table. At first I thought perhaps it was the lobster thermidor she was eating – the chef would have been so pleased.

“But the gentlemen she was with unashamedly told me that she had this rave suppository up her butt. Some couples have funny ideas about celebrating Valentine’s Day.”

Raver, Jim-E Gurney said: “if your avin a bad one, you can simply fart it out, which aint difficult because E loosens up your asshole. Let’s get messy.”

Dr Wallace Chipper from Greenville Surgery in Manchester said: “people sticking things up their butts when they’re off their heads could lead to some very unpleasant injuries. I strongly urge people not to do it.”

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Not Going Out’s Katy Wix to star in and co-write EastEnders special

EastEnders executive producer Colin Pugwell-Reason has confirmed that Not Going Out starlet, Katy Wix is to star in and co-write a one-off EastEnders special, to be shown on BBC iPlayer in April.

Reporters caught up with Katy outside the BBC Television Centre in London.

Katy said: “Well, basically the story’s about this Welsh girl called Katy, who catches the tube, but gets off at the wrong station.

“She finds herself in this insanely angry place called Walford, which strangely enough, doesn’t show on Google Maps. Funny that.

“She’s cold, hungry, and hasn’t got enough money to get back on the tube, so Katy is forced to take refuge in Cindy’s Café.

“Can she escape Walford before she’s turned into brown bread? Duff duff, duff, duff duff…

“…actually there aren’t any duff duffs because it’s a one-off.

“I’ve been given the job of writing the funny bits, but writer, Jimmy Fishwick-Smith has final say over the direction of the script.

“He has promised me that I won’t be involved in any punch-ups or anything…

“…although, he does keep telling me that Phil Mitchell will be easier to handle if I pretend he’s an alien baboon.

“Which probably won’t be that difficult, when you think about it.”

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Majority of British public can live without their brains – but not their phones, survey suggests

In a recent Youpeep survey the mobile phone was voted the number one item that the British public couldn’t live without, gaining 85% of the vote, with ‘a brain’ coming in second place with just 5% of the vote.

Other answers included a microwave, a car, a duck, crack, a bed, toast, my rabbit, everlasting McDonald’s meals, a joint, and Youtube.

Professor Brainchild from Durham University said:

“Knowing that the British public would choose their mobile phones over their brains is deeply disconcerting.

“Perhaps one day we will be able to keep our brains in our phones, I really don’t know. My answer would have been my budgerigar, Floopy Wingnut.”

Chaz Packman who gave ‘mobile phone’ as her answer said:

“I use my mobile all the time like, and only really use my brain… well, hardly ever. So, yeh, that’s my answer. I’m sure most people my age would agree with me. Brains are for losers.”

Easter is racist, says Clegg

The Deputy Prime Minister has once again facepalmed the UK, this time by suggesting that Easter is racist.

The comments were made on yesterday’s episode of The Tuesday Grill on the CBBC channel. A programme presented by children between the ages of 7 and 14.

He said: “There are few nations as accommodating as ours. And we should be proud of that. But whilst we must do everything to respect the values and beliefs of all those who choose to come to live here, we must also discard anything that might offend – anything that might be outdated in our ever changing society.

“For example, this Christmas gone, schools across Britain scrapped the traditional school nativity and instead opted for more accommodating plays. I visited a primary school in Birmingham where I watched a play about three wise space giraffes who travelled across a sponge mountain to visit a pregnant alligator called Fred.

“And over the top of this was this weird mix of neuro funk, acid grime and two-step garage. I had no idea what was going on, but it is this sort of ingenious re-thinking that makes Britain great. And we can all learn from Fred’s Immaculate Conception.

“I say this because we are fast approaching the Easter period. As a nation we need to accept that we don’t all eat chocolate; we don’t all believe in the Easter bunny; but as a nation we all want to enjoy Easter.

“In a sense, the traditional Easter is racist, but it doesn’t need to be. I’ve already spoken to pupils at a primary school in Dudley who are busy organising a Jedi themed Easter play with bassline house and whomping dubstep rhythms.

“And why not?”

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Sir Ridley Scott eaten by baboon

It has been revealed that Sir Ridley Scott was eaten by a baboon on the set of his latest adventure, Planet of the Baboons – but escaped unharmed!

The film’s star, Katy Wix, interviewed in Fright & Sound Magazine said:

“Well, we were filming our last scene, which is typical really – Ridley almost got away Scott-free

“Anyway, he shouted, ‘release the balloon,’ as in the hot air balloon, but I thought he said, ‘release the baboon.’ It’s an easy mistake to make, when you think about it. And it’s just like Mr Mardy Face baboon to go for Mr Shouty Man director.

“One of the baboon experts managed to dart the assailant, but Ridley had already gone – if you see what I mean. All eyes were of course on me, but soon turned again, towards the stomach-churning sound of Ridley crawling his way back from the jaws of death.

“If you’ve seen a baboon yawn, you’ll know exactly how big their mouths are. I’m sure Ridley will see the funny side once he’s had time to recuperate.”

Sir Ridley Scott told reporters: “First of all she cuts her finger on the baboon’s tooth, and then she nearly turns me into baboon food. These sort of things didn’t happen when I worked with Sigourney – but I guess we didn’t use real aliens to make those films.”

 

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Planet of the Baboons is set to hit the cinemas in October 2015.

Ravers mourn as demolition of former Cornish nightclub gets underway

Demolition work is due to start on the legendary Shirehorse nightclub in St Ives, Cornwall – that’s if it doesn’t fall down beforehand.

Host to some of the biggest DJs in the UK throughout the 1990s, the Shirehorse was without a doubt the most bangin’ nightclub in Cornwall. So bangin’ in fact, it may have been responsible for the collapse of a nearby stone circle – either that or the circle was knocked over by the clumsy Beast of Bodmin Moor, as some locals suggest.

MC Splann, a resident MC well known for MCing in the Cornish language said:

“Some people blamed the collapse of Towednack stone circle on the Beast of Bodmin Moor, whilst others blamed it on a bangin’ set from the DJ HMS. An expert of some kind or another even suggested that the Beast of Bodmin Moor knocked the stones over whilst dancing to HMS’s set. I guess we’ll never know the truth.”

David Tregear, a bouncer at the club shared his memories: “I do remember this lady who lived in one of the bungalows nearby having a go at me. She’d been suffering from sleep deprivation since 1992. She wanted to turn the music off, and I wasn’t going to argue with someone who hasn’t slept for 7 years.

“No one really knows what happened after she went into the club, but I’ve heard she got lost in the dark and couldn’t find her way out. I remember a couple of regulars telling me that they saw her dancing in the carpark after the club closed, but the story’s never been confirmed. They were good nights.”

Pete Tregenna, a local entrepreneur said: “A friend of mine took me to the club back in ’96 or ’97 and I remember the steam that came from the place when the doors were opened at the end of the night. It was incredible. And it gave me ideas…

“At the time I was racking my brain trying to think of new sources of renewable energy, and I found it at the Shire. Unfortunately the club shut its doors, and there wasn’t another club in the whole of the UK that produced that much steam. My dreams were shattered.”

Bricks from the building will go on sale at the Shirehorse Reunion at the Ritz, Penzance on the 4th March for £1 a pop.

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