Cameron diagnosed with ‘gansta balls’

The prime minister has been diagnosed with a rare condition known as gansta balls. A condition which, up until now, has only affected people working in the black music industry.

David Cameron said: “I urge the British people not to see this as a bad thing. It isn’t. If anything, this makes me even more the man for the job. You need balls to run a country. And I’ve got them. The doctors have been quite clear about that.

“This condition might also explain why Nick Clegg’s been too frightened to slap me. Because we all know he wants to. So what I say to him is this: bring it on.”

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Miliband reveals that his six-point plan has six points within each point

Ed Miliband has today revealed that his six-point plan for Britain has six points within each point, but says that this would not make it a thirty-six-point plan.

The Labour leader said: “Some people have said to me that a six-point plan with six points within each point is actually a thirty-six-point plan, but what I have to say is this. A six-point plan is still a six-point plan regardless of how many points are within each point.

“Let me explain. Before trying to understand the complexities of a point-plan system, we must first address it. And there’s no point doing that, until we’ve looked at it. It’s as simple as that.”

David Cameron made his feelings clear: “One minute Ed Miliband’s talking about a five-point plan, the next minute he’s talking about a seven-point plan. And now I hear he’s talking about points within each point of a point plan.

“What he’s got to realise is – and I’ve told him this time and time again – it doesn’t matter how many points there are to any of his plans, because they’re all focused on the same things: the NHS, the cost of living crisis, and the housing crisis.

“He could come up with a hundred-point plan and still forget to mention issues such as immigration and the deficit. The man’s an idiot.”

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I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole, says Farage

In a live radio phone-in Nigel Farage admitted to being an arsehole, but said that David Cameron is a bigger arsehole.

The UKIP leader made the announcement on BBC Radio Tittleworth’s lunchtime phone-in show this afternoon when a feisty Conservative supporter, called Mabel, phoned the show and said to Mr Farage: “If people vote UKIP they will get Labour, and Britain will remain in the EU.”

Nigel Farage replied: “I’ve heard this story a million times, and quite frankly I’m getting a little fed up hearing it. If David Cameron was serious about having a referendum he’d have had one yesterday.”

But this only inflamed Mabel all the more. She replied: “We can’t just pull out willy-nilly and you know it. You Mr Farage, are an arsehole.”

Unaware that Mabel had already hung-up, Nigel Farage added: “I might be an arsehole, but David Cameron’s a bigger arsehole for making promises he cannot keep. I know it, you know it – we all know it.”

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Planet of the Baboons: funniest Twootface responses

With a release date of October 2015, the filming for Sir Ridley Scott’s Planet of the Baboons must be close to the post-production stage. But since the film’s star, Katy Wix, scratched her finger on a baboon’s tooth the details about the film have been kept top secret – to the point where hardly anyone’s talking about it.

Fermented News though did manage to find 6 hilarious responses to the film on the social media site, Twootface:

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Interesting observation from Susan. The poster and title both resemble a popular sci-fi film starring Charlton Heston, but as Sir Ridley Scott said: “this film has nothing to do with Planet of the Apes, and I don’t want to hear the word ‘ape’ from anyone.” Oops!

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I don’t think anyone’s going to argue with you there, Chelsea!

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What’s your favourite response?

Chav finds lettuce in McDonald’s burger

A chav has found, what she has described as a ‘green thing’ in her McDonald’s Big Mac burger.

Samantha Smith (aka Sketz),19, who lives in Bristol, made the discovery yesterday afternoon whilst visiting her local branch with her 3 kids.

She said: “I don’t usually look inside the burgers, but I’m like trying to be a responsible mother. Anyway, I checked it out and found this green thing in there. I went absolutely mental. Why should I waste my hard earned child benefit money on some green shit?”

Branch manager, Barry Dick said: “I took the burger from Miss Smith and examined the contents using the store microscope. The offending item was indeed a lettuce leaf – a standard ingredient in our BigMac burgers.

“I told Miss Smith that we can offer her BigMacs without the lettuce, but she just went all street on me, before sitting back down with her kids. I then watched her remove the lettuce leaves from her kids’ burgers, which she flicked onto the floor with the rest of her rubbish. She’ll probably be back later this afternoon.”

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David Cameron creams Ed Miliband during PM’s Questions

David Cameron has attacked Ed Miliband with a ‘gargantuan’ cream bun during this afternoon’s Prime Minister’s Questions. The attack came about after the Prime Minister saw the Labour leader scoffing his face with the confectionery.

David Cameron said: “There’s only so much you can take, there really is. I’m absolutely fed up with Ed Miliband’s schoolboy attitude in the House of Commons. I was in the middle of answering a question about cast-iron guarantees when I noticed him slouched in his chair with his knees crossed, like he always does, eating a gargantuan cream bun.

“So I went over to him and pushed the bun into his ugly mug. Not that it helped the situation, because instead of sitting up and paying attention, he spent the remaining 10 minutes, licking his face with his unusually long lizard-like tongue.”

Conservative MP, Natasha Hare said: “It was hideous. Ed Miliband looked like the Toad from those X-Men films. You can’t blame the Prime Minister for doing what he did.”

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Man finds Doctor Who monster in his garden

A man has found, what he has described as a “Doctor Who monster” in his back garden.

Albert Finch, 51, who lives in Newbury in Berkshire, made the discovery yesterday afternoon.

He said: “I went out to do a bit of weeding. It shouldn’t have been much. But when I got down to the rose border, I was confronted by this mass of leaves and branches. Some of the branches were as thick as toilet rolls. And, I know it was blowing to gale and all, but the branches were moving too, just like those Krynoids from Doctor Who.

“Anyway, I called for Jack next door, to get his opinion. He listens to Gardeners’ Question Time, you see. ‘Looks like one of those Triffids from Doctor Who,’ he said. I tried explaining to him that he meant Krynoids, but he wasn’t having any of it. Nightmare!

“Anyway, to end the argument I asked him into the house to watch The Seeds of Doom on VHS, but by the time we finished watching the six-parter starring Tom Baker, the thing outside had buggered off.

“And, even then Jack still insisted that the thing looked like a Triffid, and still insisted that the Triffids were in Doctor Who. I phoned my younger brother, Peter, later that evening and he said it was probably a Vervoid – whatever that is.”

Police are asking people in the area to be on the lookout for any “bug-eyed vegetable matter.”

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Image from The Seeds of Doom