99% of properties in St Ives are holiday homes

A recent report suggests that 99% of property in the idyllic fishing resort of St Ives in Cornwall is either holiday lets or second homes. This news comes a month after St Ives Council proposed a ban on outsiders buying second homes in the area.

Molly Stevens, a 27 year old who lives with her mum in the town said: “I’ll never be able to afford my own home here. I’d have to win the lottery to buy a parking space, but I can’t exactly live in my car.”

Businessman, Pete Staffford said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. English resorts like this rely on people like me. I’ve worked hard to set up my business down here, but these locals carry on biting the hand that feeds. It’s because of us Londoners coming down that these 48,000 new homes are being built. It’s supply and demand, ain’t it?”

Second home owner, Baz Masi has a similar story: I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, just like my parents before me. My dad ran a protection racket in Walford, and my ma, she was a sex worker from Russia. I saw her work hard for her money.”

For Mr Nicolls, sitting glumly behind the counter of his Cornish pasty shop, the prospect of making a sale today looks unlikely:

“As you can see, it’s early December, and it’s like a bleddy ghost town me ‘ansum. All I get this time of year are visitors coming in asking for pasties covered in chocolate, or with fish in. Fish pasties! They’re like bleddy seagulls! Guss-on with ya.”

When asked about his own living arrangements, Mr Nicolls said: “Well, I’m fortunate enough to have a parking space on the other side of town.”

st ives


16 Year old jerks-off in front of breastfeeding mums

Feminists in Tittleworth are livid, after a 16 year old boy, David Persimmon whipped out – what the feminists are describing as – an ‘ostentatious cock’ in front of a breastfeeding clinic yesterday afternoon.

This comes just days after Nigel Farage’s suggestion that breastfeeding women should “sit in the corner” to avoid offending others.

Town Major, Andy Boner said: “I understand what all the upset’s about, but saying that, I remember when I was his age. I’d whip my cock all the bleeding time.

“I remember once when the Avon catalogue came through the letterbox and landed so that it opened on the lingerie page. Before I knew it, there I was, beating one off, when all of a sudden the front door opened and my mum walked in. It’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.”

Tittleworth feminist, Dolly Love said: “If men really think women should go and sit in corners, to do what is the most natural thing in the world, so should these teenage boys who think it’s acceptable to whip out their cocks whenever they see a bit of flesh”.

Ed Miliband’s DNA identical to a Victoria sponge

Professor Bryan Cocks from BritonsDNA conducted the research after the Labour leader’s brother, David, questioned Ed Miliband’s belief that “there is something cannibalistic about eating sponge”.

“We all know he was a bit of an odd-ball,” said Professor Cocks, “but this research is something else.

“At first I thought David’s request a bit odd, but I carried out the tests anyway, and in my forty years as a geneticist, I have seen nothing like it – Ed Miliband’s DNA is identical to that of a common Victoria sponge.”

Mr Miliband though does not think this at all strange: “I can see that the research may seem odd to some people, but let us look at the broader picture. It wasn’t so long ago that we found out that Eddie Izzard is 40% banana, and I know what I’d rather be.”

Linda Cakebread, owner of Have Your Cake & Eat IT.com said: “I always knew there was something odd about him. I bet you any money that Cameron will bring in a sponge tax, similar to that pasty tax, just to spite him. Then he’ll be outside my shop in Baker Street, Victoria sponge in-hand, like butter wouldn’t melt. Back stabbing bastards, the lot of them.”

Common Victoria Sponge