We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels, says EU commissioner

The traditional Christmas dinner party wouldn’t be the same without the jocular peal of wind, extricated from around the dinner table, like a fatuous jazz band at a comedy club. And that’s down to one vegetable: the Brussels sprout.

In a bid to control greenhouse gasses released into the atmosphere on Christmas Day, the European Union is asking us to condemn the sprout to the compost heap.

Otto Hitler, the European commissioner for flatulence said: “the increase in methane caused by excessive trumping on Christmas Day could inadvertently warm the planet enough to trigger off another ice age. We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels.”

UKIP leader and MEP, Nigel Farage said: “you can’t make it up, you really can’t. Especially when we all know who the real culprit is: and that’s Santa Claus. But I don’t see the European Union asking him to cut down on the mince pies. It beggars belief, it really does.”

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Remake of The Wrong Trouser’s could star Ed Miliband as Wallace

Ed Miliband has recently made it clear that the role of Wallace, in a live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers, is his if he wants it.

“Let’s be clear about this,” said the Labour leader. “I had a telephone call from Nick Park, asking if I would like to play the part of Wallace, for which I am deeply honoured. And I make no apology for being deeply honoured.

“Above all, I can see why Nick wants me to play the part, of course I can. Wallace and I are very similar. For one, we are both good at DIY. It wasn’t that long ago that I tried to change a lightbulb.

“But, the way I see it is this. As much as I relish the chance of playing Wallace, I simply cannot do two things at once. It’s like trying to change a lightbulb whilst eating a bacon sandwich.

“Labour is set to win the 2015 general election, and I need to be there as Ed Miliband, not Wallace. Which is exactly what I told Nick.

“What I say is this. Nick has told me that I am the best man for the role, and that the role is mine if I want it. So if I find myself in a position to play Wallace, say, in a year’s time, I will make a five-point plan – or even a seven-point plan – and tackle the Wallace crisis.”

David Cameron had this to say: “My view is simple. There’s only one way Ed Miliband’s going to be in this film, and that’s if you don’t vote Labour. It’s as simple as that.”

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Dalek robs pound shop in Hull

Staff at a pound shop in Hull were surprised to see a life-sized Dalek glide into the store on Saturday afternoon. Till operator, Samuel Davies, who has not been to work since, had this to say:

“I called out for the next customer to come to the till – and this Dalek glided up. Its eyestalk turned towards me, and its dome lights flashed menacingly. It demanded all the money, or said I’d be exterminated. What was I supposed to do?

“I took the money from the till, placed it in one of the carrier bags, and stuck the carrier onto the Dalek’s sink plunger-thing. I thought I was going to die.”

Store manager, Baz Fleming caught up with the Dalek outside the store, where it transpired the menace from Skaro was not working alone.

“I saw the Dalek stop in front of these two boys,” said Mr Fleming. “For some reason they were both blacked-up, which threw me a bit. Then I noticed that one of them had a remote control in his hands. I charged forwards, careful to avoid the Dalek’s death-ray, seized the remote control – and the bag on money of course – then informed the pair that they’d have to come back into the store for questioning.”

One of the boy’s, who cannot be named for legal reason, had this to say: “It was a joke. We didn’t actually think the guy on the till was actually going to hand the money over. I don’t think the money was an issue anyway, because when the policeman came into the room, he was more bothered about us dressed as Ogrons.”

“I responded to a call saying that a Dalek had robbed the pound shop in town,” said PCSO Kato West. “And if that wasn’t weird enough, when I walked into the manager’s office, there were these two boys who’d blacked themselves up. They were both 11 years of age, so it’s the parents I blame.

“I let them off with a warning, telling them that going around looking like that was very offensive, and that they should not do it again. As for the Dalek: if I had my way I’d have him locked up… I say ‘him’, I think all Daleks are male, but I’m no expert where that sort of thing’s concerned.”

Not Going Out’s Katy Wix to star in Ridley Scott’s, Planet of the Baboons

It has been confirmed that Not Going Out’s Katy Wix is the star of Sir Ridley Scott’s up-and-coming blockbuster, Planet of the Baboons, which will be released late next year.

Having just seen an exclusive premiere of the film’s teaser trailer, Katy had this to say:

“Well, that was pretty scary, wasn’t it? I didn’t know it was a bloody horror film. It’s a good job I didn’t actually get to meet those apes on set. It was all green screen, you see.”

Sir Ridley Scott discussed the film in more detail:

“Let me make this clear: this film has nothing to do with Planet of the Apes, and I don’t want to hear the word, ‘ape’ from anyone. I would also like to make it clear that this is not a comedy – it’s a horror film. And it’s going to be horrific.

“I won’t give too much away, but what I can tell you that Katy plays an anthropological professor called Professor Sweet, who loses her dog, Muffin after a baboon is seen lurking around the encampment. The professor puts two and two together, blames the baboon, and heads into the hills in search of the mythical Jungle Book, the baboon’s holy bible, which she thinks is responsible for some of their behaviour, including, the loss of her dog.

“As you probably saw from the trailer, the film’s pretty terrifying. I said to my DP, Jean Jeanne, ‘Jean, I want this film to scare the shit out of the audience. I want it to make, Ren & Stimpy look like a fucking kids programme’. And, I think it will.”

29 million people tune into last night’s Question Time

It has been confirmed that last night’s episode of Question Time received a staggering 29 million viewers. It is unclear how many of these were Romanians and Bulgarians. The reason for the show’s success was the appearance of Russell Brand and Nigel Farage, on the guest panel. And as one might expect, things got a little heated.

At one point, Russell Brand called the UKIP leader a ‘pound shop Enoch Powell’ during a debate on immigration. And surprise surprise, Russell Brand threw in the word, ‘ostentatious’, whilst saying something about being bandaged up.

Mr Farage has since responded by saying: “We all know that Mr Brand was going to mention the word, we just didn’t know when, or in what context. I’m not even sure what he was on about – but quite frankly, nothing the man says, or does, surprises me anyway.”

Another heated moment came when a man with a walking stick verbally attacked Russell Brand, saying: “Stand for parliament. If you’re gonna campaign, then stand, ok?”

A member of the audience, sat near to Mr Walking Stick had this to say: “He was so angry that, when he pointed and opened his mouth to speak, he farted at the same time. Everyone in the audience heard it.”

The show was undoubtedly stolen though, by a blue haired woman who criticised Mr Farage, saying: “That’s what he does, he’s a racist scumbag trying to blame immigrants for the cutbacks…”

Russell Brand had this to say about Blue Hair: “She was so angry. I thought she was going to spew venom at Mr Pound Shop. What a star.”

Computer-generated Tom Baker to star in two-part Doctor Who story in 2015

Stephen Moffat, writer and producer of Doctor Who, has confirmed that Tom Baker will play the Doctor in a two part story next year. Tom will only be doing the voice though, because the rest of him will be computer generated.

“The technology is advanced enough for us to do this,” said Mr Moffat, “so we’re doing it. I’ve been on the phone to Tom, he’s happy to do it – and we’re going to be filming a two-parter very soon, with Tom up against the Zygons. It’s going to be brilliant.”

Tom Baker remembers the phone call: “I remember the call well. At first I thought it was from one of those companies offering compensation for mis-sold payment protection insurance, but then I realised it was Stephen Moffat. ‘Stephen’ I said, ‘it’s so good to hear from you’. Of course, he thought I was being sarcastic. But I meant it. I really did.

“And when he said that he wanted me to play the Doctor again… well, I was over the Moon. But, suddenly, and terribly, I realised I’d changed – not in a Timelord sense, of course… and not that it mattered in that story with Matt Smith, but this was different. This time he wants me to star in a two part story, against the ZYGONS! I remember coming up against them in Scotland, I think it was.

“So, I said, ‘that’s great Stephen – but I hope you’ve got some good anti-aging cream there at the BBC.’ He laughed. I Iaughed. We both laughed… then I put the phone down because my dinner was getting cold. I got back to him though, and he explained everything to me. I can’t wait to get back inside the TARDIS – life hasn’t been the same without it!”

Martians found in back of lorry at Dover port

Border forces were shocked to discover half a dozen Martians hidden inside the back of a lorry at the port of Dover late last night.

An eye-witness had this to say: “I was pissed at the time, which is why I want to remain anonymous, but I saw border officials handcuffing, what I can only describe as monsters, like those from the original of Dr Who series. You know, when monsters looked like they were made by some Blue Peter presenter with learning difficulties – all cardboard, and bubble wrap. It’s a joke, it really is. I’m convinced that one of us drivers will be killed soon.”

Nigel Farage was quick to chip in: “For all we know, these so-called Martians are really French immigrants in suits. I suggest that Border Force send them back to France, using Royal Mail’s Special Delivery service, and let the French authorities deal with the problem.”

David Cameron shares our frustration: “Let’s be clear about this – crystal clear. First of all, I want cast-iron guarantees, from the experts, that these are indeed Martians. And, if they are Martians, my view is simple: Mars, as far as I know, is not part of the EU, and never has been.

“Therefore these Martians, are illegal immigrants, and have not put anything into the system. But. And this is a really big but. As you all know, I’m not one to break promises – but it would be cheaper to keep them in Britain, on benefits, than it would be to send them back home. That’s a fact.

“I share the concerns and frustrations of the British taxpayers, of course I do – but this is, in no way an invitation for their families to come to Britain, to scrounge off the system. Let me make this clear: measures have been taken to ensure that benefits will not be going straight to their families on Mars.

“And, if they are to stay for a long period of time, and do not speak English, they will learn to speak English; if they do not respect British values, they will learn to respect British values; and if they have come to stop the tunnelling under Stonehenge, or try telling us that Stonehenge is some kind of homing beacon – not that my advisors have suggested such a thing – we will make it clear to them, that Stonehenge is not a homing beacon for galactic immigrants, and the tunnel will go ahead, as planned.”