EastEnders SPOILER ALERT: Lucy Beale’s killer revealed?

Bookmakers have suspended betting on the whodunit after one customer in a central London branch placed 18 bets on one suspect. But who was it?

It was Millicent the poodle! The great great grandpuppy of Roly, who’ll be moving to Albert Square with her family in the new year.

Betmaster spokeswoman, Katie Brush said: “we were forced to suspend bets when we noticed that the customer was a poodle. We guessed that the customer may have inside information.”

Writer, Jimmy Fishwick-Smith said: “the press have been quick to pick up on the fact that the poodle family are already live in Walford, and that Millicent is a kind of Wednesday Addams, Damien Thorne mix, so it’s not surprising that a customer has gone in and placed a bet on her being the killer. But that doesn’t mean that the Betmaster customer knows Miss Buffy Boos, the dog who’ll be playing Millicent.”

The killer isn’t due to be revealed until next February.

Do you think it was Millicent?


Poodle family to join EastEnders cast

It’s dog-eat-dog in EastEnders early next year, when a family of poodles move to Albert Square.

Writer Jimmy Fishwick-Smith said: “The family consists of Napoleon, his wife Flossy, and their puppies, Chipper, Snapper, Mopsy and Millicent. Napoleon is the great grandpuppy of Sharon’s poodle, Roly. And believe me, he’s not the sort of dog you want to mess with.

“Napoleon blames Sharon for Roly’s death all those years back, after Kitty Capone, Albert Square’s topcat, lead Roly beneath the wheels of a lorry, which Napoleon believes would not have happened if Sharon had not left Roly with Grant. So he’s more than happy for Grant’s brother, Phil to get involved.

“What Napoleon really wants is the Vic. He wants to turn the Vic into a pub for dogs, like in one of those paintings by Arnold Sarnoff.”

Snuggles, who plays Napoleon said: “Napoleon’s barking mad. He wants to be top dog on the square. He thinks Mick Carter has made a dog’s dinner of the Vic, and that’s reason enough to get his paws on it. And as far as Phil’s concerned – every dog has its day.”


Roly Watts

We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels, says EU commissioner

The traditional Christmas dinner party wouldn’t be the same without the jocular peal of wind, extricated from around the dinner table, like a fatuous jazz band at a comedy club. And that’s down to one vegetable: the Brussels sprout.

In a bid to control greenhouse gasses released into the atmosphere on Christmas Day, the European Union is asking us to condemn the sprout to the compost heap.

Otto Hitler, the European commissioner for flatulence said: “the increase in methane caused by excessive trumping on Christmas Day could inadvertently warm the planet enough to trigger off another ice age. We should reconsider our relationship with Brussels.”

UKIP leader and MEP, Nigel Farage said: “you can’t make it up, you really can’t. Especially when we all know who the real culprit is: and that’s Santa Claus. But I don’t see the European Union asking him to cut down on the mince pies. It beggars belief, it really does.”

Remake of The Wrong Trouser’s could star Ed Miliband as Wallace

Ed Miliband has recently made it clear that the role of Wallace, in a live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit’s The Wrong Trousers, is his if he wants it.

“Let’s be clear about this,” said the Labour leader. “I had a telephone call from Nick Park, asking if I would like to play the part of Wallace, for which I am deeply honoured. And I make no apology for being deeply honoured.

“Above all, I can see why Nick wants me to play the part, of course I can. Wallace and I are very similar. For one, we are both good at DIY. It wasn’t that long ago that I tried to change a lightbulb.

“But, the way I see it is this. As much as I relish the chance of playing Wallace, I simply cannot do two things at once. It’s like trying to change a lightbulb whilst eating a bacon sandwich.

“Labour is set to win the 2015 general election, and I need to be there as Ed Miliband, not Wallace. Which is exactly what I told Nick.

“What I say is this. Nick has told me that I am the best man for the role, and that the role is mine if I want it. So if I find myself in a position to play Wallace, say, in a year’s time, I will make a five-point plan – or even a seven-point plan – and tackle the Wallace crisis.”

David Cameron had this to say: “My view is simple. There’s only one way Ed Miliband’s going to be in this film, and that’s if you don’t vote Labour. It’s as simple as that.”

Vote Labour

Dalek robs pound shop in Hull

Staff at a pound shop in Hull were surprised to see a life-sized Dalek glide into the store on Saturday afternoon. Till operator, Samuel Davies, who has not been to work since, had this to say:

“I called out for the next customer to come to the till – and this Dalek glided up. Its eyestalk turned towards me, and its dome lights flashed menacingly. It demanded all the money, or said I’d be exterminated. What was I supposed to do?

“I took the money from the till, placed it in one of the carrier bags, and stuck the carrier onto the Dalek’s sink plunger-thing. I thought I was going to die.”

Store manager, Baz Fleming caught up with the Dalek outside the store, where it transpired the menace from Skaro was not working alone.

“I saw the Dalek stop in front of these two boys,” said Mr Fleming. “For some reason they were both blacked-up, which threw me a bit. Then I noticed that one of them had a remote control in his hands. I charged forwards, careful to avoid the Dalek’s death-ray, seized the remote control – and the bag on money of course – then informed the pair that they’d have to come back into the store for questioning.”

One of the boy’s, who cannot be named for legal reason, had this to say: “It was a joke. We didn’t actually think the guy on the till was actually going to hand the money over. I don’t think the money was an issue anyway, because when the policeman came into the room, he was more bothered about us dressed as Ogrons.”

“I responded to a call saying that a Dalek had robbed the pound shop in town,” said PCSO Kato West. “And if that wasn’t weird enough, when I walked into the manager’s office, there were these two boys who’d blacked themselves up. They were both 11 years of age, so it’s the parents I blame.

“I let them off with a warning, telling them that going around looking like that was very offensive, and that they should not do it again. As for the Dalek: if I had my way I’d have him locked up… I say ‘him’, I think all Daleks are male, but I’m no expert where that sort of thing’s concerned.”

Not Going Out’s Katy Wix to star in Ridley Scott’s, Planet of the Baboons

It has been confirmed that Not Going Out’s Katy Wix is the star of Sir Ridley Scott’s up-and-coming blockbuster, Planet of the Baboons, which will be released late next year.

Having just seen an exclusive premiere of the film’s teaser trailer, Katy had this to say:

“Well, that was pretty scary, wasn’t it? I didn’t know it was a bloody horror film. It’s a good job I didn’t actually get to meet those apes on set. It was all green screen, you see.”

Sir Ridley Scott discussed the film in more detail:

“Let me make this clear: this film has nothing to do with Planet of the Apes, and I don’t want to hear the word, ‘ape’ from anyone. I would also like to make it clear that this is not a comedy – it’s a horror film. And it’s going to be horrific.

“I won’t give too much away, but what I can tell you that Katy plays an anthropological professor called Professor Sweet, who loses her dog, Muffin after a baboon is seen lurking around the encampment. The professor puts two and two together, blames the baboon, and heads into the hills in search of the mythical Jungle Book, the baboon’s holy bible, which she thinks is responsible for some of their behaviour, including, the loss of her dog.

“As you probably saw from the trailer, the film’s pretty terrifying. I said to my DP, Jean Jeanne, ‘Jean, I want this film to scare the shit out of the audience. I want it to make, Ren & Stimpy look like a fucking kids programme’. And, I think it will.”

29 million people tune into last night’s Question Time

It has been confirmed that last night’s episode of Question Time received a staggering 29 million viewers. It is unclear how many of these were Romanians and Bulgarians. The reason for the show’s success was the appearance of Russell Brand and Nigel Farage, on the guest panel. And as one might expect, things got a little heated.

At one point, Russell Brand called the UKIP leader a ‘pound shop Enoch Powell’ during a debate on immigration. And surprise surprise, Russell Brand threw in the word, ‘ostentatious’, whilst saying something about being bandaged up.

Mr Farage has since responded by saying: “We all know that Mr Brand was going to mention the word, we just didn’t know when, or in what context. I’m not even sure what he was on about – but quite frankly, nothing the man says, or does, surprises me anyway.”

Another heated moment came when a man with a walking stick verbally attacked Russell Brand, saying: “Stand for parliament. If you’re gonna campaign, then stand, ok?”

A member of the audience, sat near to Mr Walking Stick had this to say: “He was so angry that, when he pointed and opened his mouth to speak, he farted at the same time. Everyone in the audience heard it.”

The show was undoubtedly stolen though, by a blue haired woman who criticised Mr Farage, saying: “That’s what he does, he’s a racist scumbag trying to blame immigrants for the cutbacks…”

Russell Brand had this to say about Blue Hair: “She was so angry. I thought she was going to spew venom at Mr Pound Shop. What a star.”