First, Merlin’s face carved into rock. Now English Heritage wants to erect a stone phallus – with Noel Edmonds face on it!

Carved directly into the rock itself, the face of Merlin is an imposing site on the Tintagel landscape. And despite criticism, it’s the first of many new sculptures and installations commissioned by English Heritage.

The next sculpture, commissioned to local artist, Mariah England, 42, will be a 12 foot standing stone, shaped like a giant cock, with the face of King Arthur – if the legendary king looked like Noel Edmonds – carved into the bellend.

Speaking to reporters at the Merlin’s face opening event, the sculptress said:

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Cornwall could split from England – LITERALLY!

A professor from Finchley University, in Barnham-on-Wick, has warned Cornwall Council against further house building, advising the council that the extra weight from inward migration could tear Cornwall away from England, leaving the region to drift off into the Atlantic.

Professor Morton, Head of Environmental Physics at Finchley University said: “The Tamar is essentially a tear between two land masses, held together by the top end. But any extra weight could widen the gap and see Cornwall drift off into the Atlantic.

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Another mosque bacon attack: police hunt for Ed Miliband

Police in Finchwick were called to a mosque yesterday afternoon after a man matching the description of Ed Miliband left a half-eaten bacon butty outside the place of worship, preventing worshippers from entering the building.

DCI Nicky Clover said: “Whether this was a deliberate attack or not has yet to be established. The bin, also outside the mosque, was full so it’s possible that the perpetrator didn’t like the butty and placed the offending item as close to the bin as possible, which happened to be the entrance to the mosque.

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200 MILLION migrant pigeons could invade Europe in 2016

Top EU officials have been warned that pigeons are disappearing from cities across the Middle East at an alarming rate and are heading in unprecedented numbers to countries across Europe, all due to the threat imposed upon them by the jihadist organization, ISIS.

Bertram Cumberbatch, head of The International Bird Watching Society, said: “ISIS have made the pigeon an enemy by preventing pigeon breeding on roofs, as they claim that the sight of the birds’ genitalia is a distraction from their daily worship. This has led to many of the birds ending up in ISIS torture camps, where they are beaten, flogged, burned and even beheaded.

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Archaeologists unearth oldest Cornish pasty to date – and it contains CARROT!

The pasty was discovered at an archaeological dig near Lanner in Cornwall, where archaeologists have been busy unearthing what remains of an old building, thought to date back to the 9th century AD.

Lead archaeologist, Dick Bone, said: “The pasty was found above floor level of the building, with carbon analysis dating it to around 850 AD. Which is exactly when we think the building would have been in use. One of the team suggested that the building may well have been a bakery.

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Cornish community outraged after signpost vandalized

Residents of Pool in Cornwall are outraged after the Church Road ‘Welcome to Pool’ signpost was vandalized, with ‘AND’ graffitied after the word, ‘Pool’. There is some speculation as to how this is meant to read.

UKIP councillor and self-proclaimed exaggerator, Damien Bigot, said: “Let me make this clear, there’s no excuse for criminal damage, but the message is loud and clear. With 10% of the population of Pool being Polish – the other half being English, of course, the perpetrators or perpetrator may well have a point.”

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Police hunt for men of ‘foreign origin’ over sex attacks on inanimate objects

German police are hunting for a number of men of ‘foreign origin’ after a spate of sexual assaults on inanimate objects in Düsseldorf. This follows a number of complaints of sexual assaults against women in Cologne on New Year’s Eve.

One man filed a complaint after returning home from work to find two men of ‘foreign origin’ in his living room. One sexually assaulting his sofa, after making a hole in it with a kitchen knife; the other sexually assaulting his paper shredder.

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